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Philophobia Posts

Out of my mind

I really fallen in love with a guy. He also melt in love to me. I and he got understanding and happy in our past time. We texted a lot of messages and talked with phone call at night. We met in outside as dating. He said to me “I am so happy when I talked with you. This time is amazing for me.” I feel this may be love. Once, he asked “you are so brave and strong lady and your confidential is so tie and I am scared of you.” I think this is make me kidding.

This feeling is not true for me. I mean this feeling has no long time. Suddenly he don’t call to me and he don’t reply my messages. I texted “Happy birthday” wish. He didn’t reply to me. My heart will be broken slowly and I was so upset and angry so much. He didn’t pick up my call. He rejected and neglected me. He blocked my facebook account from his friend list. What is wrong with me?

Three months later he got a girlfriend. He showed his girlfriend and their 1st month anniversary. I can’t cry and smile. I laugh a lot. I am not easy to forgive and forget. I prayed to god. Please make me stronger.

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I’m not entirely here

i try to love.
i recently just broke up with my boyfriend.
i have been a mad person since long before we met.
he loves me so dearly.
but how can he love someone he doesn’t know?
the darkness is all I’ve ever known.
boys don’t want me for “love, they want me for pleasure.
and if you do want me for love, you’re lying.
he told me he doesn’t like how i don’t care about anything.
so i broke up with him.
i have never dated a person more than once.
he could have been the one, but hurt is all i know best.
why don’t i care?
because if i did care, then people would have a reason to hurt me.
people don’t realize that love doesn’t exist.
if it did, we would have happy endings.
but in the end, we’re all dead.

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So my story is – lost my father at three, forced to move away from my grandfather at seven who also died a sudden death when I was twelve, sexually abused by a family member, got cheated on by two of my exes, abused by one and inexplicably dumped by someone else.

I want to love but there’s only so much repair that can be done before a building finally collapses.

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More than friends plus long distance

My ex-buff introduced my ex with her friend. I was cheated by my ex and backstabber by ex-buff at the same time, 3 years ago. I was broken. I cried every night. I was afraid. I couldn’t believe anyone. I started to avoid love, both rs and new friends. I couldn’t trust any boy and I’m afraid to get attached.

2 years later, I met a guy because of one common friend. We became friends. We hangout a lot. I had so much fun because of him. I started to trust him. I told him about my past, I could open up him. He’s studying at Singapore. So after 1 months, he went back to sg. After that some other friends told me that he likes me, he interested me. I don’t want to get attached so I pushed him but he didn’t give up on me. He cared me, called me every night. We facetimed every night for 6H. We texted the whole day. He told to my friend that he’s gonna propose me when he come back. I feel saved, feel loved.

But 4 months later he cut the contact because of his family problems. He came back but he avoided me, and acted like strangers.

We met again after 8 months. We acted like nothing was happened. We teased, we laughed like best friends and then he went back again. Sometimes we talked, sometimes we texted but only once a month.

Me and my friends went to sg last week. I met him in sg. We went to club at the 1st night. He and I, yes we hold hands and hug in the club that night. I stayed in sg for 10 days, and we met about 5 days. When we were in sg, he told my friend that he still loves me, he has been love me for 1 year and 3 months, he couldn’t tell me because of his family problems. Then he tried to proposed me but couldn’t. During those 10 days, we fell in love. I trusted him and I stopped pushing him. And I decided to get into relationship.

And then I came back. We facetimed, we called but this time both of us acted like couple. Then he tried to avoid me again and it’s been 3 days that we didn’t talk. What should I do? I thought he’s the one but he did again. We couldn’t act like friends but we are not couple either. He said he’ll come back next month. Should I just wait him? Or what should I do?

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