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Philophobia Posts

I’m not entirely here

i try to love.
i recently just broke up with my boyfriend.
i have been a mad person since long before we met.
he loves me so dearly.
but how can he love someone he doesn’t know?
the darkness is all I’ve ever known.
boys don’t want me for “love, they want me for pleasure.
and if you do want me for love, you’re lying.
he told me he doesn’t like how i don’t care about anything.
so i broke up with him.
i have never dated a person more than once.
he could have been the one, but hurt is all i know best.
why don’t i care?
because if i did care, then people would have a reason to hurt me.
people don’t realize that love doesn’t exist.
if it did, we would have happy endings.
but in the end, we’re all dead.

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So my story is – lost my father at three, forced to move away from my grandfather at seven who also died a sudden death when I was twelve, sexually abused by a family member, got cheated on by two of my exes, abused by one and inexplicably dumped by someone else.

I want to love but there’s only so much repair that can be done before a building finally collapses.

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More than friends plus long distance

My ex-buff introduced my ex with her friend. I was cheated by my ex and backstabber by ex-buff at the same time, 3 years ago. I was broken. I cried every night. I was afraid. I couldn’t believe anyone. I started to avoid love, both rs and new friends. I couldn’t trust any boy and I’m afraid to get attached.

2 years later, I met a guy because of one common friend. We became friends. We hangout a lot. I had so much fun because of him. I started to trust him. I told him about my past, I could open up him. He’s studying at Singapore. So after 1 months, he went back to sg. After that some other friends told me that he likes me, he interested me. I don’t want to get attached so I pushed him but he didn’t give up on me. He cared me, called me every night. We facetimed every night for 6H. We texted the whole day. He told to my friend that he’s gonna propose me when he come back. I feel saved, feel loved.

But 4 months later he cut the contact because of his family problems. He came back but he avoided me, and acted like strangers.

We met again after 8 months. We acted like nothing was happened. We teased, we laughed like best friends and then he went back again. Sometimes we talked, sometimes we texted but only once a month.

Me and my friends went to sg last week. I met him in sg. We went to club at the 1st night. He and I, yes we hold hands and hug in the club that night. I stayed in sg for 10 days, and we met about 5 days. When we were in sg, he told my friend that he still loves me, he has been love me for 1 year and 3 months, he couldn’t tell me because of his family problems. Then he tried to proposed me but couldn’t. During those 10 days, we fell in love. I trusted him and I stopped pushing him. And I decided to get into relationship.

And then I came back. We facetimed, we called but this time both of us acted like couple. Then he tried to avoid me again and it’s been 3 days that we didn’t talk. What should I do? I thought he’s the one but he did again. We couldn’t act like friends but we are not couple either. He said he’ll come back next month. Should I just wait him? Or what should I do?

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Building walls

Whenever a guy shows interest in me, I immediately begin to disgust that person and when someone says “I Love You”, that’s even worse. Basically, I do everything I can to keep boys who are interested away from me. Ans this includes pretending that my guy best friend is my boyfriend. It is really freaking me out as to how i have turned out to be. And sometimes, even when I need love, i am not capable of opening up to people.

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