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I don’t know myself

I’m 23 but I have no boyfriend yet since I was young. And I afraid to get a boyfriend. I know I had people who loved and were interested in me but I didn’t believe them. I think there is no true love.

I am afraid of men. Whenever I communicate with men, I pretend that I know nothing. But I wanna get a boyfriend who love me very much like my friends.

Now, I’m interested in a man who is 5 years older than me. As soon as I knew I’m interested in him, I avoided him. Now I can’t forget him and every time miss him. I think he knew that I was interested in him. Now, I wanna be with him.

How can I do? please. I really don’t know myself.


Beautiful Strangers

I always fall for strangers because of I feel secure with their anonymity.
I’ve only liked 4 for my entire life and I’ve never been near them nor said hi in person. My body has an automatic fight or flight response whenever they are near.
I loved looking at their faces, they were beautiful but the thought of them looking back and smiling gave me chills to the point I want to hide and not be seen again.

I’m bi and I never liked anyone deeply enough because of my detachment issues. I have no idea what it feels like to be loved and I don’t even know what it feels like to truly love someone.

The thought of affection scares me.
Yet it feels horrible that I have a phobia like this.
I always just look at them, day dreaming and drawing them. I know it sounds creepy but that’s all I can do… to express.

1 Comment

I don’t wanna be in love again for a while yet

I would say that I have a very mild case of philophobia. I am 16 and I’m currently in a 6 month relationship with this guy I like. I’m not in love with him and I don’t know when I will be or if I want to be in love with him. There are a few reasons behind this.

Back when I was 14, I gazed my eyes upon this guy at my school who was a 17 year old Senior; I couldn’t help but feel this connection and this unexplainable sensation that split second I first saw him. I knew that I had to have him. I met him in a corridor and that sensation just became stronger. It wasn’t until my best friend started talking to him when I actually got to know him better. Unfortunately, my best friend and him started a relationship which really hurt for me.

The more I helped the guy get through his heartbreak over my best friend, the more I fell for him. It got to a point where I was so madly in love with him; I’m not the kind to take a bullet for anyone, but for him, I was more than willing to. I cried when he was heartbroken or when I thought he was angry at me. If anyone called him ugly which I thought was beyond false, they would get the biggest earful from me. I isolated myself from my friends and family when he stopped talking to me and for the whole time I was in love with him, he was practically the only thing I ever thought about. Just one smile from him made my entire day.

I finally told him one day about my feelings for him, but he told me that he only views me as a really good friend. At that moment, my vision blurred, my chest area kinda ached and I suddenly felt really cold on a hot day. It was unpleasant; the first guy I fell in love with had rejected me and nothing was a worse feeling at that time. From then on, I guess that’s when I started developing philophobia. I’m still friends with that guy and still care about him so much.

That’s not to say I didn’t flirt and take interest with other guys after that experience, it was a tad hard to push past my fear of being in love when I did, because I ended up with my boyfriend a couple years later. Now onto the second reason.

Nearly 3 months into our relationship, this heaps attractive guy I saw around school and after school had been hitting on me. He had showered me so much attention to the point where him and I hooked up (I also gave him a hand job) behind my boyfriend’s back. I know I should have gone on a break with my boyfriend before I did stuff with the other guy, but part of the reason it happened other than impulse was that I didn’t want to fall in love with this other guy. I knew that if I took a break or broke up with my boyfriend to do that, I was most likely going to fall for the guy. My boyfriend knows about the incident, so don’t worry, I’ve been honest with him in that respect.

My boyfriend and I have been talking about making love recently, but I have been held back for a few reasons, but the main reason being that apparently once you have intercourse with a guy, you will have an emotional attachment to them. The thought of getting heartbroken again from being in love if something happens is a scary thought. I even avoid being nice to him in public and I refuse to hold his hand when we’re out.

As for now, I’m not that fussed if he hooks up with another girl as revenge for what I did to him and I’d like my feelings to stay that way. My boyfriend suggested help for my philophobia (probably because he’s in love with me and I don’t feel that same way back), but then again, I feel like it’s not necessary yet as I’m only young and it may change over time.

1 Comment

I can’t

I can’t.
I can’t hate you.
I can’t love you either.
I care, but that’s all.
That’s why I stay.
Bound to you until you let me go.
Please, let me go.