It’s all in my head

April 26th, 2013 by Anon3 comments

I know I shouldn’t be thinking like this, but I seriously only ever think about her. About how I fucked things up, every hint I couldn’t get from her, every mistake I made that added up to why she left me.. and how we used each other to fulfill each others’ needs. I mean, from the way it seemed like, I was just using her for sexual gratification, and she was just using me as a tool who gave endless amounts of attention. The last words she told me before she broke up with me still ring in my head.

‘I’m sorry. I’m just an attentionwhore.’

‘No. No you weren’t. You meant so much more to me’ is what I really wanted to say, but from the way I treated her.. I didn’t have the right to say that. It didn’t seem like I really loved her, huh? The overly-jealous, paranoid boyfriend regressed to an cynical, apathetic, shell-of-a-man. I didn’t even care that the woman I dated after her was cheating on me the entire time, I just stopped caring.

What made her so damned special, why is she still floating around in my mind after all these years? Why can I not open up to anybody?

Why couldn’t I take a relationship further after her? I just can’t seem to tell anybody else ‘I love you’ without it sounding so forced. I don’t even want to hang with women who show an interest in me. I’m so avoidant nowadays. I can’t even stand it when a female friend tells me she cares about me. I reply nicely,but in my head, I’m thinking, ‘what a bunch of bullshit. You hardly even know me.’ I don’t even interest in relationships anymore. Love doesn’t real with anybody else. At least, that’s how I feel now.

What do I do now?

April 26th, 2013 by Leonard1 comment

Well, lets just say this is going to be hard for me to explain. There’s a really beautiful young woman that I go to (I’m in the later stages of secondary school) school with. She recently confessed -while half crying with embarrassment- that she “liked me”. I have to say, I was totally shocked and surprised to hear it. I really do think she’s a beautiful, amazing person.

My hearts telling me that I’m in love with her, but my head’s telling me that I CAN’T love her. I seriously feel like I can’t love her despite how beautiful she is. And it’s not like she’s just an ordinary young woman that I only say “hey” to every once in a while whilst we’re walking up and down to get to our next class. I talk to that girl every day. Even when we’re on our “Summer break”.

Sometimes I feel as if I can love her, but other times, not much.

At the moment, my mind’s in a muddle over this whole thing. Please help!!

What am I afraid of?

April 21st, 2013 by Shioban3 comments

A few days ago, my best friend whom I’ve met in kindergarten, confessed that he likes me. I was stunned and speechless. I laughed at him and teased him like it was the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. He said that courting me had crossed his mind but he was just scared to sabotage our friendship. We’re super close. We’ve shared ice cream, drank in the same glass and we’ve seen each other in our best and worst states. I’ve been open to him about my heartbreaks and dramas and he’s the same with me. But ever since he confessed, I feel like there’s this awkward air hovering above us every time we’re hanging out together.

I don’t know what to say to him and how to act in a normal way around him. I think I like him too. Because I’ve been thinking about what he said these days, leaving me with sleepless nights and bags under my eyes. Maybe you’re asking, “If you like him too, why not give him a chance?” Well, here’s the case. I’m SCARED. I’m TERRIFIED. I don’t know if I can break down all my walls for him.

I mean, yes he’s my bestfriend but still, there are things and secrets I haven’t told him and not planning to do anytime soon. I can’t love him. I know I just can’t. I’m the type of person who wants to be loved and yet when I’m close to that, I tend to let it go. It’s like I’m scared of being in a relationship. I’m okay with being buddies or bestfriends but taking it to the next level creeps the hell out of me. I don’t understand myself. Please help!

friendzone

April 19th, 2013 by sarah2 comments

i honestly look at love as a very precious thing but damn too serious to me to get myself involved with. I had boyfriends before but none of them lasted for more than a year. i have been cheated on and when that happened i really cared less compared to when i know my best friend’s getting cheated on. I still believe that i can fall in love but when i feel like i can be in a relationship i cut it as cleanly as i can.

i had sex with this person and i think i feel something for him but its not strong enough to say that i’m in love with him and i don’t want to fall for him. when i hear people tell me about their feelings for me i cringe right there and then and brush them off by saying i don’t believe in love. even when i get weird looks from them and hear them say i’m abnormal i can’t change who i am.

there’s a guy who told me its because something that happened in my past or that I’ve not met the right person but i think he’s wrong cuz i once dated this guy and he was perfect but i just couldn’t fall for him.

for me falling in love with someone is asking someone to take over me. admitting to someone that i like him is like humiliation for me. i don’t want to be under anyone’s control. that’s why i keep them friendzoned with sex kind of thing.

its funny when i am so emotional (i write romantic stories) but when i in that situation i just can’t bring myself to be in a relationship. (i’m having difficulties saying “i love you” to my own mother.)
am i just not that vocal or am i really philophobic? whatcha guys think?