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Me and my stupid dead heart

So basically I didn’t even know a phobia like this existed until seconds ago. At least now I know I’m not in it alone.

Growing up I just realised I wasn’t so good at reciprocating love or expressing my feelings. I just always keep everything bottled up inside and I don’t know how to let people in. My mum constantly complains that I need to let people in and she keeps telling me it’s OK to be vulnerable but I just can’t do it.

There was this guy who I was dating and immediately things started getting serious and he told me he loved me I freaked out and broke up with him, I deleted his number off my phone, stopped picking up his calls.

My friends didn’t understand what went wrong and honestly neither did I. I just knew I couldn’t be with him anymore, maybe it’s the fear of rejection, that I’ll never be enough for him or that he’ll eventually get bored with me, I just knew that I couldn’t handle it.

I’m still trying to figure out how to open myself to love but I just think love isn’t for me even though I do believe in true love. I guess I’ll never experience it. It’s sad, I know, but I’ve accepted it.

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My Fortress of Solitude

I’ve always been afraid of girls. Ever since April threw away the buttercup I’d hidden in her desk. She said I was gross when my friends told her it was me. The whole class laughed, and I can hear that laughter now like it was yesterday. That was over twenty years ago.

That isn’t true though, about always being afraid. I tried again and again and again. When I was twenty I fell in love. We lived together, I thought I’d finally met the love of my life. She said she loved me too. After a while though, she stopped talking to me. She pulled away, and nothing I could do brought her back. It was hell, lying in bed next to her every night. Silence. Eventually I broke, I couldn’t take it any more. She was miserable and I let her go. I thought I couldn’t cry anymore. I was wrong.

Since then, I’ve shut everyone out. A few of my friends have held on tight enough that I spend a few hours with them once a month. After a few years I reconnected with my family. You’d think living with them I wouldn’t be able to shut them out, but I did. In my room where no one could see me or hear me, my fortress of solitude.

I finished college, I even tried dating once or twice. I don’t care anymore though, it always ends in pain. I won’t talk to a girl I don’t know. Hell I won’t talk to anyone I don’t have a good reason to.
She makes eye contact across the room, and every thing I am wants to walk over and talk to her. I don’t though. She’ll just reject me, I won’t have anything to talk about. Even if we go out she won’t answer my calls after a few dates, and if it does she’ll break up with me eventually. Worst case, she’ll wait till we get married and take half of all these things I don’t actually own.

I tell myself relationships don’t work. That I’m unlovable, that they’ll always cheat, that they’ll always leave, and I’d be better off alone in my room, my fortress of solitude.

I’m working on it. Some days are better than others. I’ve even made a few friends recently, although all I want to do is pull away again. It’s work not to lock that door, but I know. My fortress, it’s my prison.

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I do not know myself

I’m 23 and never had any relationship. I don’t know what happened to me. It’s just that I don’t trust men and fear them.

If someone confessed interest in me, I did not answer them. I pretended nothing happened. If I found somebody attractive, I just keep looking at them and that feeling will disappear after some time.

I’m afraid to fall in love and get hurt. Actually, I don’t believe that true love exists. But I do want to get married and have a happy family.

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I couldn’t handle the stress

I’ve had two broken hearts in my life, both from rejection. After the first one I never really planned on caring for anybody… Like that anyways.

But then I started talking to people online. I never really saw online dating as a real thing. I was wrong. When This person and I met on the internet we talked via TinyChat for hours. It seemed like we knew each other forever. We just clicked so well.

I fell for them of course. And I got rejected. It’s making me go crazy. All I can think of is “why am I not good enough?” I cried and cried… I vented so much. But nothing was helping. The person couldn’t handle what they called it “drama” and they cut me off completely on 4/7/14 around 1 am.

I lost it… I sobbed hysterically. And now I just can’t think of loving anybody else ever again. Yes it WAS LOVE. Now it’s all over. And I don’t want to be romantically involved WITH ANYBODY. Internet, Real life etc… It doesn’t matter. I can’t handle losing all the sleep, and crying so much, and pretending to be happy when I’m not.

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