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Alone

Please share!

I am not a English native speaker, forgive me if my words are hard to understand.

I am 19 this year, i used to be with a lot of friends, having fun around, that was really a happy life.
But things has changed when i grew up, i am very underweight and skinny, i felt i’m different from the others, i tend to stay alone and away from my friends, tend to hide my feelings when talking to someone, and lacking of confidence has really caused a big impact to my life.

i had a relationship with a girl, but it end up real bad, i felt everyone is against me when we broke up. My parents argue a lot 2 years ago, almost divorce, i felt my life is total fucked up and wanted to commit suicide. I forced myself not to, i tell myself everything is going to work out.

i only have 1 good friend and 1 sister who make me feel we are having true bond between each other, but i think neither of them know that i am not happy, i always show them my smiley face. my life has been better when i worked very hard to build it up from a pile of shit, but i am still living in solitude, feeling alone everyday.

after escape from the mind of committing suicide, i found myself very afraid of building relationship with anyone else, every time when i felt a bond is almost formed, i avoided it and keep distance from them. i don’t know if this is philophobia, i just wanted to speak them out to make myself feel better.

One Comment

  1. Pitti Pitti

    Start calisthenics or weightlifting to gain weight. Eat healthy. You won’t be skinny if you make progress in exercises, and you will feel better with your body.With philophobia i can’t help you, I’m alone and loveless aswell, i got used to it. A few girls started to flirt/show interest in me since i started to exercise but i fear of intimacy and love therefore i push them away, or pretend i didn’t catch the flirting. Good Luck

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