I am not a English native speaker, forgive me if my words are hard to understand.
I am 19 this year, i used to be with a lot of friends, having fun around, that was really a happy life.
But things has changed when i grew up, i am very underweight and skinny, i felt i’m different from the others, i tend to stay alone and away from my friends, tend to hide my feelings when talking to someone, and lacking of confidence has really caused a big impact to my life.
i had a relationship with a girl, but it end up real bad, i felt everyone is against me when we broke up. My parents argue a lot 2 years ago, almost divorce, i felt my life is total fucked up and wanted to commit suicide. I forced myself not to, i tell myself everything is going to work out.
i only have 1 good friend and 1 sister who make me feel we are having true bond between each other, but i think neither of them know that i am not happy, i always show them my smiley face. my life has been better when i worked very hard to build it up from a pile of shit, but i am still living in solitude, feeling alone everyday.
after escape from the mind of committing suicide, i found myself very afraid of building relationship with anyone else, every time when i felt a bond is almost formed, i avoided it and keep distance from them. i don’t know if this is philophobia, i just wanted to speak them out to make myself feel better.