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Losing Control

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I always thought that love was for everyone, that there was somebody out there to relate with, to grow with, to share everything with, to spend the rest of your life loving and caring for. I guess for me that will just stay a thought in my mind, never truly becoming a reality.

I grew up in the church, in fact my whole life was focused on God and his word until recently. Throughout this time I read that love was kind, patient and caring from the word but learned that love hurts, fights and doesn’t last forever from my parents constant arguing and discourse.

I tried to see the light in these situations, look for God and follow his ways, but this only led to heartbreak. I transferred this warped perspective to my relationships, judging those who didn’t live similarly to my lifestyle and pushing those I got close to as far as I could.

My last relationship was the worst of them all. I met a girl in church through a youth program and we instantly became buddies. After a year of flirting with one another we started dating and things started escalating very quickly.

Soon I spent all of my free time with her and her family, shoving friends and family away to spend more time with her. I told her all of my darkest secrets and deepest desires; my heart was in her hands…but she used it for her own purpose. I found out that her and her family were using me against my own family, trying to make me hate my parents, brother and sister and stay close to them. After discovering this I dumped her, but her tormenting and evil still haunts me and my family to this day.

Ever since I’ve been afraid of loving again. I’ve pushed many good girls out of my life since, fearing I’d lose control of myself and be used again. When someone tries to get close I become as cold as ice towards them; removing them from my life in an uncontrollable hatred. I want to feel love again; to open my heart to someone and share my life, but my fears always get the best of me. Maybe someday I’ll try to love again, but the pain of the past will always haunt me.

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