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Is it possible for Philophobia to be deeper than romance?

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I experience an extreme disconnect mostly with my family and to a lesser extent my friends. I like to think I’ve hidden it well over the years but I’m beggining to think not.

As a young girl my household was mostly half siblings and foster children, I had one full blooded sister just a year or so younger so obviously we were always stuck together. We were always simply “the girls” and I hated every minute of it. I nearly had a permanent scowl whenever we were out as a family, at home I was able to retreat into my own world but in public I was expected to engage and converse. She would ask me to play, I’d refuse, she’d tell my mother, my mother would get upset that I was being moody, then give me exactly what I wanted the solace of a time out.

As I grew older the same disconnected bhavior followed me to school and greatly impacted interactions with my peers. I never had friends for long, I would become attached to a person or sometimes two. We would play and hang out and do sleepovers, that usually lasted a few weeks months at the most then a vacation would come along and I’d forget all about whomever was my friend. There was never any playground drama involved, not that I was aware of. I simply stopped putting any effort into maintaining a relationship with whatever peer I was dealing with at the time.

When leaving the fifth grade there was a moving up ceremony, a mock graduation. I had absolutely no desire to go and could see no point in any of it, so when they called my name to come and get my “diploma” I refused to walk up. When they kept calling my name, I pretended to be asleep. The principle refused to give up and so eventually with a scowl on my face I stomped as angrily as I could to the podium, grabbed the “diploma” with as much force as I could muster, turned my back and without saying a word or giving a handshake ran off the stage. My mother wasn’t very happy, she thought once I got there among my “friends” I would feel better about it. I believe she would have been right if I was any normal kid, I don’t think until then anyone really grasped the full extent of my self alienation.

Things got worse in middle school, I was wildly oblivious to my social shortcomings in the first year and part of the second. Until the administration got involved. I was a quiet student and kept mostly to myself trying not to get too involved with anyone unless group work was required. Even then I simply chose a task, completed it, then wiped my hands of the project. None of this was intentional, just part of who I am. My teachers started hearing rumors from other students, and would catch kids making fun of me behind my back. Obviously I had no idea what was going on and so it couldn’t bother me. Unfortunately, it bothered the adults on my behalf and that’s when my mother was called and the therapists started and the social groups and mentors. That’s about the time I started to get really angry, I didn’t want to fit in, I didn’t want to have friends, and I certainly didn’t want people to care.

Finishing middle school I was so angry and so resentful of everyone around me I attempted suicide, all I wanted was to be left alone. I never wanted to know I was wierd, or that something was wrong with me. I didn’t fit in and I was perfectly fine with that, until the bubble was burst and I couldn’t handle it. While in the hospital I had my first boyfriend, obviously sex wasn’t on the table but it was still fun. It’s always been easy having a relationship that is doomed to fail. From that experience I found a new way to keep my alienation and pacify the adults in charge of my “emotional wellbeing”.

So begins my personal sexual revolution, the adults saw I was going out and being involved while I was able to “fit in” without any emotional connection. I made it a personal mission to sleep with as many people as I could sometimes more than one person in a day, and gender wasn’t a bias. That went very well for a few years, until the video. I was convinced by an older gentleman to create a video of me playing with myself, he then made copies and sold it to a handful of other pedophiles in the neigborhood. Some “good” samaritan handed it over to the police and so it was back to the therapists and psychiatrist. I had nearly put the whole thing out of my mind until a year or so later when I got a summons out of the blue to testify at a bench trial. When it hit the papers I far too embarrased to go to school, wondering what the few teachers who actually had the pleasure of seeing me in class would think. Since I was only showing up for my electives at that time anyways it came as no shock when I dropped out.

At this time in the story I’m nearing adulthood and have the freedom more or less to make decisions. Most of my decisions at the time were based on the deep rooted resentment I hold for my sister and to a lesser extent my mother. I got involved with some lowlife because he had an apartment and I saw it as an easy way out of my parents home. I moved in with him after just a month or so got my GED and started community college. College was an amazing experience, being praised for academic acheivement and none of the pressure from peers or administrators to make friends or maintain connections. The only black cloud was my current relationship, he was a bit more invested than me so when I inevitable started to pull back he got violent. I ended up on academic probation for missing classes and nearly dropped out again. This time I decided to suck up my pride and do things the “normal” way, so I moved back home.

In my youth I found most of my conquests using aol chatrooms and instant messenger, not having many friends or anyone to andwer to that’s where I went on the rare chance I did want social interaction. Also where I met my husband, we were supposed to meet for a date and do the obvious. We got as far as the obvious part and never stopped, two months in he gave me an ultimatum. He told me I could either move in with him or let the relationship potentially fizzle out. I chose to move in. He also happens to have a daughter who was 4 at the time. This is where whatever this disconnect becomes an actual problem for me. My husband deals with my aloofness just fine, I’ve learned how to appease him enough that he just thinks of my distance as stress related. His daughter however is continually trying to find ways to bond and figure out what we have in common. This angers me to no end, she askes my family about me as a kid, she tries to figure out what music I like, and she’s constantly trying to emulate me throwing my own political views and ideals back at me with very little change to the dialect. Seriously, her attempts at trying to form a connection are so transparent. This has been going on for nearly 11 years and I have only recently been able to look at my own behavioral patterns and notice the correlation between people who want me to love them and the anger it incites. I can only assume the anger is born of fear and it has been so close to me and such a part of me, I don’t know if I would let it go if I could.

There are some pieces of my story missing, but I hope this touches on what I’m trying to say and if there is anyone who understands.

One Comment

  1. Anonymous Anonymous

    You know what ,you are just like me.
    Well the only difference is , I am a boy.
    Right now my friends are on a trip and I am doing whatever I do, usualy sticking in my room.
    Nazat kabir rogers.

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