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I may be crazy but it hurts!

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I am thirteen years old and I have liked a guy for almost nine years. I met him in kindergarten and haven’t been able to let go since. We weren’t friends or anything and we didn’t talk so I don’t know why I still liked him. He didn’t even know I existed!

I’m in my first year of high school this year and we go to different schools but I still live in fear as if he’s still standing a few metres away. I occasionally see him and I almost have heart attacks. I haven’t told my parents because I’m scared of what they’ll think of me and what they’ll do about it.

They contributed to my philophobia a lot too because of there lack of compassion and the amount of fighting. One friend did know and he didn’t understand, that was the last time I told anyone. This fear has Made me completely shut down and distance myself from everything and everyone. I do not trust anyone and recently I’m finding it really difficult to be with my close friends.

I don’t know what made me want this guy so much, he was really no good at all. We never dated or said goodbye and he more than likely doesn’t give me a single thought but it’s not so easy for me. I walk around terrified of seeing him. I’m scared of being hurt and I’m scared of hurting someone the way he hurt me. He put me through so much pain I almost took my life probably about ten times between the ages of 11 and 13.

I would get heartaches every night so bad it felt like a knife piercing my chest. I would know too because I did go through cutting and other extremes. I hardly like to call it his fault that I experienced this much pain but it was due to his lack of care or consideration. I was overly teased for holding onto my affection. Some people knew more about that of me than my name. It was how I was recognised as a person; “that’s the stupid obsessed cry baby who likes ****”.

A girl moved to my school in sixth grade and we became best friends but through the year she and that guy started dating. She smashed my heart into a million pieces and I cared about to a degree all I could say was congratulations and that I didn’t care. But I really really did. I had never cried so much in my entire life. He also used my affection to his own benefit, almost acting as if I were a slave to him. I gave up time, money and even loyalties for him. I did whatever I could do.

I cannot possibly stress enough how hurt I am and he doesn’t even know what he’s done to me. I find myself grasping onto the tiniest of twigs to stop myself falling off the cliff. I find myself lost of hope, trust, sleep and love and all I can do is cry about it. I have no motive for life because of what a boy has done to me. I am doing whatever I can to stop myself wishing to end my pain in the only way I can; by dying. The pain hasn’t ended and it never will. It is my nightmares, it haunts me!

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