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I can’t breathe now.

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So I have this boyfriend I’m dating now. It’s my third. After like 2 failed relationships this past 6 months I am really exhausted. Now I just assume everyone in my life is gonna leave me soon, which is probably true. Sometimes I wish I could just not fall in love so deeply but then I just uncontrollably fall in love. And then I would cry alone at night just because the thought of him leaving me for someone else. Like even though he treated me well and nice and do everything. So then his friend, A, come along and we become a trio that is so awkward. I just can’t let go the fear that he’s gonna dump me for A and I’ll just literally panic every waking minute. And A is this fuckboy that is flirting with everyone. And my boyfriend would just simply tell him everything about us. Our sex, our things, even my private stuff. Like I don’t mind A knowing, but I feel like he is trying to prove something or earn something from A, which made me feel very inadequate and exposed. And then I also have this weird attraction to A and then my boyfriend don’t seem to mind at all, and I’m constantly battling in every forefront trying to figure out what I’m feeling, what he’s feeling and what’s A up to. So I finally gave in. I knew they wanted a threesome. I actually don’t mind having sex with A. But the thought of my boyfriend making out with A in front of me is horrific. And then I went there. I saw it. I saw A fuck my boyfriend. Now everything is shattered even though I fully expected it to happen. Even though I know even not for A, sooner or later he is going to leave me for someone else. So I just sit there and watched. And i have to hold back my tears and tough it through. And I went home. I cried for like an hour. No one texted me. No one ask if I’m ok. No one cares. And I’m here sitting alone. Why do I feel like this. Even though I anticipated this to happen, maybe I just didn’t think it would come this quick. Now I self-loathe and can’t sleep and can’t stop thinking about it and I just can’t breathe. I’m scared to love him anymore. I’m scared to love anyone anymore. Now I can’t even talk to any of my friends thinking when are they gonna leave me one by one. I really don’t know what to do.

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