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Category: Gay philophobia stories

I don’t even know.

I’m scared. I’m so fucking scared. I’m scared that this is love. I’m scared that I might be in love with a girl who’s got so many problems. I’m scared because she has such a control over me. I don’t know if I can help her. It’s killing me, It’s killing me slowly. I don’t want to be in love. I even hate the sound of the word. If this is love, I hate it. If this is love, then isn’t good at all, it’s virtually nothing but pain and sadness.

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Given up?

Love, to me, is for people who deserve it. I don’t feel as though I do. I’ve done nothing of value, I own nothing, I owe nothing, my very existence has been self constructed to impact as little as possible on everyone I encounter. I make friends easily, I’m pleasant to everyone, I make an effort to not upset or offend but when someone starts to come close I drift to new people who know only the superficial. The only part of my being that could be considered interesting.I learnt very young (6 or so) that being who I was made everyone dislike and ignore me. It took until I was 17 until I had built myself into someone who could blend like a chameleon into any situation or group and not draw attention to all my flaws.Now (20) this person lives seemingly happily. He has a decent job, a…

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I choose flight…

I’m not sure how this all started. I’ve always avoided meeting new people and making friends and I never thought anything of it. When I manage to meet someone new I instantly assume they hate me. I am fine with that though. I have no problems with being alone. I enjoy it. Sometimes it gets a little depressing and I try to find a relationship. It never works out though. As soon as the person tells me they love me or I realize that I love them I start to panic. Everything in my body screams to run and I feel like I’m about to die.I… Just can’t bring myself to be with someone. To be their slave… To lose myself to them… I know that they won’t ever feel the same way that I would about them and then they would leave me… I’m fine with being alone but…

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My girlfriend

She’s absolutely amazing. This is the one time where I know I’m safe in this. Meaning falling in love. She cares just as much as i do , and yet I can’t help but be stuck.We’ve been dating a year now and she’s told me she loves me countless times.. I’ve never said it once. It’s like every time I try I can’t.My ex really hurt me and I’m so scared of falling crazy in love and hurting that bad again. My girlfriend is what I want 100% and I don’t want my ex. I just cant get over the pain of hurting. It’s like I’m picking at a scab that’s just trying to heal from scarring. I don’t want to hurt any more. I want to trust and love my girlfriend just as much as she loves me.

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Fear of being loved

I hate romance, and love, opening up to someone is impossible, Marriage is a dirty word, and I would rather see the new Paranormal Activity than that RomCom Katherine Heigl’s in. I guess its a bad thing that I’m so involved with my best friend. She says she loves me, She wants to be with me forever, but I don’t understand it.It scares the crap outta me. Last night I had a break down, I was screaming and crying, and ended up carving the hell out of my arm. It says some crazy things. Like: “I hate myself.” “Perfect.” (And of course) “Fear of Being Loved”I didn’t really remember much of it afterward, but it was enough to scare her to the point of shaking and tears. I need to figure this out, this is my best friend here.

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Breakdowns

About a year ago, I met this girl named Ally.I don’t know what I am, if I’m bi, or gay, but I really don’t care. All I know is that Ally is my best friend, but I do also think I love her.Every time I have liked someone, and had them return my feelings, has ended in tragedy. I am fine to love someone…as long as they don’t know, or don’t return the feelings. Every time it has happened in the past, where I have confessed, or if another person just has an interest in me, I freak out. I isolate myself from that person, and I completely break down.I’m scared it’s gonna be like that again. I know I love Ally, but I don’t want to lose her. She is my best friend…and I’m ok with just that. I wish I could tell her, I wish I could have…

Read the full philophobia story... Breakdowns