He’s perfect. He is the only person to have ever cared and loved me so unconditionally. He is there to let me cry to him when something stupid is up. He always knows when to call me to make me laugh when the horrible pressure on my chest is getting bad. He knows about my Social Anxiety Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, my constant crippling nightmares, horrible Agoraphobia with crowds of people, my Diabetes, Wolff-Parkinsons-White-Syndrome, and Celiac disease– and he doesn’t care. He loves my clingyness and my need to constantly be reminded of the good thing in life and with me. He loves my art even when I do not. He never doubts me and swears up and down that I am perfect, evene when I come to him admitting that I had hurt myself again.
But I am a senior in High School, I graduate in May…. IF I graduate at all. I will be eighteen at the beginning of April. I live on the West coast of the US. But he lives in Indiana, currently in Texas for military training for his job. He is 19, 20 at the end of the month. We met online. We have only seen eachother once in person the moment his job allowed him; those two weeks in December were the best of my entire life. In his arms every single day.
I had never let someone see me cry before, not like that, and it was terrifying.
We also got engaged around that same trip, no plans to go through with the actual wedding for at least a year and a half, most likely more.
Everything seems like a perfect storybook ending, what every single girl in the world craves…. We talk every day, I love to hear his laugh over the phone and he pays extra money on my phone bill so we can do that more. He bought me a set of ten of my favorite Pokemon plushies. He sends me things in the mail all the time- a shirt, a necklace, a ring, books, anything he wants to get me. I am drawing a tattoo of a scene from a dream he had of us for him to get when we go to Indiana together this June. I sleep with the jacket he left for me, wear his hat he left for me, and never leave the house without the ring and necklace I got from him on Christmas.
He makes up my /whole/ world.
I just love him so much, he means so damn much to me. Anyone who has heard me talk about him has seen my face light up and anyone whom has met him loves him. The ultimate gentleman with nothing but teasing jokes and adoration for me… but I am still having trouble.
He is overprotective and jealous easily- even from dreams I have had. He will find a way to tell off any person who messes with me, making my life a living hell, and with how many people seem to hate me these days, it is more common than I would ever wish. But I have been hurt before. Never with someone I have felt this strongly for before, but I spent seven years waiting for the same guy only to reconnect with him and find out he was paddling after a blonde artists one year his senior. Two of my best friends for many years betrayed me little over a year and a half ago- both still trying to torment me, make my life miserable, and one goes to my school where I see her eyes day. I have issues with trusting people, and even then I almost never open up about the horrible and scary things that tend to go through my head. I am a cynic and people both frighten and disgust me- only way I connected so well with him was over the internet, I believe, but we have such beautifuul chemistry when in person, too.
He knows me inside and out, better than I do myself, and he always can call me out on a lie or when I am avoiding discussing something about me I don’t want to bring up. He has told me that he ‘can see behind the mask I hide behind.’ He says that beneath I am still beautiful, but I can’t believe that. I am a filthy, disgusting person.
I just cannot find myself believing that I deserve someone as PERFECT as HE is, he should go out and find someone else who deserves him. TO match his amazing inner beauty with their own… not a paranoid, depressed, and broken person like myself. I spend every day bracing for the time he just decides it is too much and he leaves me, but when he finally got these thoughts out of me, he could only spend time focusing on how he says he could /never/ leave me. How I make up his whole world and he would be absolutely nothing without me. And that is what I need to hear.
But why does that scare me? I don’t know if it is philophobia, but I have recently began to decipher the crazy shit in my head belonging to anxiety disorders and agoraphobia, so I figure why wouldn’t it be?
I have so much trouble with people being inside my head, knowing me well enough to be able to snap me with one word. Is it really unreasonable to be scared?… I trust and love him so much…and that scares me.
God what is wrong with me?