so sad. so strong. trying to hide from it. and still encouraging it. wanting to give it. able to give it. but run from its return. this is love to me. tears fill my eyes. my stomach is tight in a knot. the power of it is unexplainable. after all of my years. i know now that i am afraid. i couldnt even believe it to be possible. how silly. afraid to let someone really love me. i was in love many times. i enjoy giving and pleasing and all the fun stuff. but to enjoy its return is something unfamiliar to me. i can say that a this point in my life, i dont even get close enough to deny it. i am lonely. but i fill my void with relationships that will never allow me to be truely loved.
my intimate relationship are anything but that.it is a one way street of love and sex. for th men i pick can never love me, or take care of me, and that mean to me. they can surely never leave me. ah, no pain. really? thats what i tell myself. i was married for years. now divorced. i loved him then. i love him now. i had to get away from it.
i know this will make no sense to most people. but this is what i have done. i chase people away from me that i feel are too close. i guess for the first years of my dating and marriage i was too busy giving love to even need a lot back from him. he didnt see a problem. really. how could he? most people would love the attention. then i was raising my kids and still didnt have too much time to notice my problem. then when i needed attention. i couldnt accept it. i do want it. but i cant seem to grasp it, enjoy it. well.. i guess love it. so i left him. i dont think he would have ever left me. so i had to destroy it. it was a threat.
i have always had it from about the age of 9 now that i have had years to think of how i looked at people and situations from before and after that. i wonder if i will ever be able to get back to that spot that was vulnerably sweet. so sad. that is love. will i run and hide forever.