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Everything makes sense now

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I found out about the existence of this psychological state last week… everything makes sense now.

IM not too sure what age this started for me, but i was very young, perhaps only 2 or 3 years old. my mum used to tell/ask me if i loved her more than my dad. she said it was our little secret. so from a very young age i thought i was not allowed to love more than one person. i would only show affection to my dad if my mum was not around. i was the only grandchild out of 5 to never hug my grandparents. also, my Nan. Both my Nan and my grandma remember the first time I even gave them a cuddle (it was such a significant event), I was six years old.

I was a reclusive child. I never really spoke to anyone. I always thought that feeling alone was normal, I still do.

I got my first boyfriend at the age of 15, thats been my only serious relationship. But I was always conscious of the fact that love is fake and that I hated the idea of it. This finally killed the relationship after 5 years.

What little faith I did have in love, died the day he left me.

That was over two years ago now… ever since, iv slept with many men. I feel emotionless sex gives me some sort of power. As soon as the relationship starts to mean anything, as soon as I find myself caring about the other person, I sleep with someone else. Maybe behind their back. Sometimes I even tell them, just to push them away.

When IM in a caring, deep, relationship, even if its going well I become extremely unhappy. Even depressed sometimes. In the past few months I found myself in a genuine loving relationship with a perfect man, and I thought about ending my life. I cheated on him, I left him. Then I found myself caring about the man I cheated with. So I slept with someone else again. This is my pattern, my way of coping with my extreme fear of love and attachment; bed hopping, constantly, endlessly.

The time when I find myself happiest, is when I dont have feelings for anyone. When I can truly call myself independent, and free.

I always laughed at people in love, they are deluded, ignorant fools. Their relationships will break down one day, and they will see I am the wise one.

IM convinced I will end up alone, when I picture my perfect future, I am alone. Not caring about anyone.

There is nothing IM more scared of than love.

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