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Love Songs and Lullabies

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My best friend. He’s amazing! We text every day and usually stay up late texting no matter how tired we are in the morning during school. I am autistic and in eighth grade, going on to high school.

He hasn’t had a girlfriend in months. He feels like he’s not good enough. I tell him all the time he’s perfect, that every girl dreams of having a guy like him. He says I’d make a good flirter.

But I’m philophobic. Really bad. and he knows it too. But I’m pretty sure he likes me. every time he mentions love or dating, I go into mass hysteria. Sweating, shaking, crying, it’s crazy. And pretty scary for me too.

Lately, I’ve been having these dreams. One was I went to the eighth grade dance we have at our school with someone in my grade. I didn’t know who it was when I woke up. But I woke up right after he kissed me on the cheek in the dream. I woke up crying. I was scared. My friend thinks it’s him. The mention of this is scary! I freak out!

He keeps saying “What if?” Well, that’s true. What if it’s him? He likes me. But I’m afraid to like him! He tells me to try to get over this. But it’s really hard!!!

I have a big obsession with love songs. I don’t know why, I just do. Especially sad country ones. I listen to them all the time. They make me happy, Lord knows how. I actually want to live alone, and right now I’m extremely antisocial. I may or may not have caused a few break-ups as well…..

I’m not sure what to do.

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