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Talking myself out of feeling anything for him.

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I’ve always been a closet hopeless romantic; always dreaming of meeting an amazing guy, falling in love and living out the greatest fairytale. But all of this was hidden away, never to be known by any other. I blame it on my feminism.

I never wanted anyone to see that side of me, to know my private thoughts.

Though many opportunities have presented themselves, I refused. I would run away as soon as it became too serious.

I’ve always been a private person. I’ve never lied people knowing what I had going on in my life. I hate to admit it, but I always had to seem perfect; like I had everything together.

Even when it came to intimacy I would run away. I, like any normal person, have sexual thoughts. But when it came to the actual physical action, I was scared. Even just the simple thought of kissing.

Now I’m not a prude or at all inexperienced. But I don’t get the emotional or physical satisfaction any normal person would get. I get embarrassed.

I have recently started dating someone, being an official couple is a big accomplishment for me. But I still feel scared. Things were great when we kept our relationship a secret, everything was perfect. But now that we have gone public, I feel enclosed, like a tight grip has hold of me and I can’t get out. Together we are great, almost perfect. But I can’t help but still feel terrified of running away.

Talking myself out of feeling anything for him.

I guess all I can do is hope that I can pull it together.

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