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Even the touch is too much

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I found out about philophobia through a gif on Tumblr and more thoroughly on here. Now, through out my life I’ve always had trust issues with people due to have been a victim of bullying and harassment in school. Most of my bullies were male, so I don’t trust them the most. I also had bad experiences with my dad’s temper, which further deepened my distrust in males.

Recently, I’d taken a liking to a new guy friend I met at a convention. He was also the first guy I ever danced with (or anybody in that manner) in years, so it was a great experience for me. I’d never met a guy so kind to me and treat me like I was actually beautiful, compared to my school years. When I’d come to realize that I had not just liked him, I wanted him to be my first kiss. But due to circumstances, it wouldn’t at all be possible for me. I was distraught by the whole thing and even though I want to be in a relationship, I’m almost terrified at letting my guard down for anybody, even him. I’m too scared by the possible fact that my emotional weakness would be used against me or getting the rug pulled under my feet.

I’m still open to starting a relationship with another guy, but the idea of hugging or touching a male is too scary. Even when I danced with that guy, I’d worn dress gloves on purpose ’cause I didn’t want to touch anyone’s hands. I had been asked out by three guys total, all I’ve rejected since I had absolutely no interest in them.

I am 20 years old. Never dated. Never kissed someone. And I feel isolated by my friends because of this ’cause they have no problem. It’s cruel to be in this position and even though I’ve been seeing a therapist for over three years, I haven’t brought any of this up. I’m leaving for college, so I’m praying this will allow me to have the change I need.

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