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Scared to have a relationship

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I just heard about philophobia while browsing the Internet. I don’t know if I have it or if my “fear” of love is serious enough to say I have a phobia. But I do know I’m scared to have a relationship.

I’ve been single for 4 years with random hook ups here and there. In the 8 months I’ve rejected four guys on separate occasions. Yeah, I know it’s not a big number, but the thing was at one point or another, I genuinely liked 3 of them. We would talk; I’d develop a crush. We’d get to know each other by hanging out, going to restaurants, etc. Over time it would become obvious that we liked each other, but neither of us would say anything. But as soon as the guy explicitly admitted he liked me, I’d wake up the next day and immediately stop liking him for no apparent reason. This cycle continued for the majority of my year with various people, and I know it’s horrible; I honestly didn’t mean to hurt anyone’s feelings.

Now, whenever I start talking to someone I feel that I could like, I avoid any flirting/dating so that the cycle won’t continue.

The one person I truly liked broke my heart. I hurt him, and I truly regret doing so. I didn’t know I had something special until I lost it. And as cliche and trite as that sounds, it’s so true. For over 3 years I continued to hopelessly pine away for him and allowed his absence in my life to control me. The past year I used him as an excuse to not have a normal relationship.

But now I’m beginning to think that it’s not him that’s the problem. It’s me.

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