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Ten years going and still no hope

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I never knew there was a name, until recently, for myself. I always thought I had problems, that there was something wrong with me. That I was the only one.

It’s not severe, but I’m sure I know the roots. My first emotional attachment rejected me, but I refused to let go. Then, he overdosed and died. I couldn’t sleep for days.

The second time, I was a little weary of reject and was happy to be accepted. Later, I found out it was for all the wrong reasons. I ended filing police reports against him and moving.

As a child, I was almost never around men because of my mother’s divorce. When she remarried, he became abusive and that led to another messy divorce. I refrained from touching people in general from my childhood.

In high school, I found myself telling people that I hated being touched and that I dislikes being near people and didn’t want to make friends. I made sure the entire class knew it. This helped me distance myself away from them. I stopped hugging those people who I had once considered my friends and only shook hand with them. I would leave as soon as possible and stopped doing things with them.

Afterwords, I eventually realized that I was asexual. I am never turned on by anything and I hate the idea of being in a sexual relationship. I soon realized that I just hated relationships in general. I got jobs that required me to be in an office the entire time with little to no communication.

I’m happy to get this off of my chest. I fear that even though I understand what is wrong, I won’t be able to fix it. I haven’t been able to do anything for the past ten years, I am not willing to try now. It’s the most terrifying thing. I get too scared near people. I don’t want to get near them or get to know them. I don’t want to do anything with them. I can’t even hold a normal phone conversation with my boss anymore.

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