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Hate to be alone, but cant trust anyone anymore

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I didnt know that I may have a philophobia, until i noticed my friend’s status update. Then out of my curiosity, I googled it. I’m surprised to find that I had similar symptoms, such as freaking out, negative thinking and feelings, always think and feel being lied to etc, if i have a boyfriend.
I do have close and good friends and i can also mingle with people (although sometimes i feel or think socially awkwards), but i guess that’s no problem. And as you know, I’m in Sales/marketing line of job. So I’m not afraid of seeing and facing someone, no matter who or what position he or she is, as a professional.

The real problem happens when i already like someone and attached to him, i’m beginning to freak out. These imaginary thoughts burst out inside my mind, and had caused me restless nights, irrational behaviour, anxious, and mostly, i feel like i always thinking about it over and over endlessly, thinking too much, needless worries. I’m so tired.

In the pasts, I have many bad experiences with guys. Cheated, taken advantage of, or being used. Maybe I’m too naive. I dont think i ever had a normal relationship, as someone else does.

During my childhood, I was being controlled by my mom. I had to struggle and break free from it. She’s a control freak, selfish and also control my father, perhaps an obsessive compulsive. She’s a negative person, has alot of fears and anxiety disorder. Because of the situation by my over protected and disordered mom, I never felt being truly loved in my childhood and teenage life. She just controls me the way she wants me to, and being manipulated to get whatever she wants me to do. She didnt even let me to have my own friends, nor my own boyfriend that i like. If she didnt like my friends or who i hang out with or a boyfriend, i have to leave them or break up, just like that. No reason, no explanation, nothing. Instead, she has this imagination that I will do my life as she wishes me to do. Although all parents including her are wishing for their children or me to have good life, but she has twisted and unrealistic imagination that princess life is true story. In result, no values are taught to me, nor being explained about the consequences. And I have to follow her, no matter what.

Till now I’m still shedding my tears when i watch movies or read stories that showing motherly/fatherly or family love. It touched me very very deeply. Maybe because I didnt have it and I’m so longing for that. Whatever I did was wrong to her, without clear explanation, just goes as her moods swings or what she thought that time. She can change her mind later on, again and again, and it made me confused all the time.

But ironically, whatever consequences I had to face for following her ways, I’m on my own. She never there to support me nor take responsibilities. It’s all on me. It feels like I am being pushed to a cliff whatever the risks, and fall down, waking up injured. I didnt feel accepted at all, nor being helped and offered a string to pull me up. I was all alone. It always had caused me a big scar in my heart and it’s still there until now.

When I’m old enough to break free and did some rebel, I have to prove every single thing that what I’m doing is right and good to her, because she will always blaming me and I’m the scapegoat of the family.
Nevertheless, I did some mistakes and bad decisions in my life. The naive person tried to break free and ventured out to the world with no protection, resulting in being deceived and cheated and being used. It breaks my heart again. Over and over again so many times.

Not until recently, my mom had changed. So is her relationship with my dad. Maybe in the end finally she felt sorry and guilty about my life.

As for me, I’m still struggling with my life, trying to patch up my broken self and life in the past.
And I dont know is it because of the trauma i had in the pasts with relationship, or because of the dysfunctional family, or because of anything else, only GOD knows, I think I have philophobia.

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