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Scared to commit to something that can hurt so deeply

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3 years ago I fell in love. I had never felt anything so deeply for anyone before. When i got up in the morning I wanted to sprint to school to see him, even though I hated school. I lived on the other side of town from school which was a 15 minute drive or, easily an hour walk and i would stay after school to help teachers, just to catch a glimpse of him sitting with all his friends when school was over.

I am attractive, so I am used to attention so when my eyes fell on this boy I thought getting his attention would be easy enough. he was in the year above me, we were both seniors but i was far too shy to talk to him face to face, so we started chatting online. we both love writing so we were sending each other short stories and poems we had written.

After a while, i decided to send him a poem i had written about him. When he read it he freaked out and blocked me so i couldn’t contact him online, he told all his friends I was a stalker and so they all blocked me as well, for a year my life was hell, my closest friends all called me stalker girl.

All these rumors popped up, like I had followed him home. This broke my heart, all I did was tell someone my feelings. I was suicidal for a while, secretly though, I didnt want anyones attention. My family made me seek help. I didnt want to leave the house and was scared everyone was judging me. Its now 3 years later and we have only spoken about 5 words to each other, Just in passing at a party we both happen to be at or something.

I still have trouble leaving the house, I have seen him a few times out and about and had severe panic attacks. Until i heard about philophobia i thought I was a freak. Now whenever a guy talks to me I back right off, scared of committing to something that can hurt so deeply. This is what happens when you give someone more power over you, than you can handle. I am so lonely.

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