Reading all your stories made me cry. For the first time in my life I know whats wrong with me. I have all the symptoms like many of you do.
When i was a child my parents were abusive towards me especially my mom. she would call me really nasty things that i cant say right now. So i grow up with the idea that being a beautiful girl was wrong and falling in love to. You can say i was pretty much love deprived all the time growing up.
At school I always was the outcast. At highschool one of my teachers had a crush on me. I was so scared. I remember one morning when I came early to school and there was no one there but him, when i saw him I immediately started running to an other building. I thought of it as a normal reaction.
But then I had this job and I met this amazing good looking smart guy (one of those who woman would die for) and again when i realized he was in love me I started avoiding him like death. I haven’t seen him for 5 or 6 years now and i deeply regret it because I really loved him.
The reason i looked up this site is that i’m showing the same symptoms again. Until this moment i never knew the word philophobia existed, i thought it was just me.
He is one of the most gorgeous men at campus and for a very very very strange reason he is in love with me. like truly deeply madly. but every time he walks up to me I start running like a chicken. He is getting frustrated and i dont want to give him the wrong idea that i dont like him but there s just no way on earth that i ll confront him or allow him to confront me about the L word. Its like a curse. I will never love.