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I want to understand what has happened to me

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I was surprised to find that this was a serious phobia- I thought I was strange. I’m fifteen, and I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve always been like this since I was little. I can remember that whenever a kissing/romantic scene would come on in a film I watched I’d be so disgusted I’d walk out of the room. I’ve never felt any hostility to those who want to fall in love- I just don’t like being around it often. My parents just assumed it was normal due to my being in a very tomboyish phase at the time. But any time it seemed like someone was interested in me, I’d avoid them to the point of not leaving the house.

Very little has changed in that aspect. While I have some close friends who I know I love, any romantic affection I’ve ever received, usually just being casually asked out, has left me feeling terrified, disgusted and violated. It can completely change my view of a person- one minute they’re just some guy, the next I view them with all the fear I’d have of someone trying to kill me, not woo me. It’s ridiculous, but I can’t help it. I even thought this sort of panic was normal until a couple of years ago.

Thankfully, as I have no interest in dating and especially not having children, my philophobia may not have as much as an impact on my life as it would on others. I’m naturally nervous and awkward around others anyway, not counting my close friends. And part of me wants to keep this phobia uncured so it will help me keep away from romance. The only thing that bothers me about it is I’m interested in where it came from. I’ve never been in a relationship so that can’t be it. My parents split up when I was young, but I’m weirdly unaffected (probably due to being too young to understand what was going on) and I still have good relationships with them both. So I can’t understand what has happened to make me react to romance so badly.

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