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I question relationships and love

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Not really sure why I react the way I do when this, talking or confessing, comes up. Divorced parents might be it. I question relationships and love every time I see real people with real commitment just end, or when my parents go down each other’s throats. Although, every time I see some romantic comedy movie, I can’t help but fantasize if it’s me in it.

At the end of the day though, if someone wrote me a letter with the letters M.F.E.O. (yes, a Sleepless in Seattle reference), I’d have a panic attack and lock myself in for a long time.

Although there was one time where I thought I was really in love. It was when a had a friend, a kind, funny, individual soul, who came up to me one day in sixth grade and said “Is there a chance that you would like me?” My mind went blank, but I acted calm and said what felt like the biggest mistake of my life: “never.” I said it so harshly and cold that I might as well said F*** off! Inside I felt like l was crying, and I’ve been crying ever since. Every time he talked to me once, I thought that it would be the best day ever. I thought many times of confessing myself, but I was just scared. He was the first guy that I liked who came to me with no pressure. There was this one time in 1st grade who literally told the whole class that he liked me, but kids will be kids.

I wrote a wish down on paper one day, that I’ll have a second chance. It all changed when he changed though, you can still sense the old observant him inside, but outside, he’s just another popular drone who find that sponge bob is funny (no offense to any of you out there). I threw my wish away and told myself that I wasn’t in love with him.
Even though it would be nice to be the one to bring out the real him, love is just a set of chemicals provided by nature to keep our species alive.

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