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It’s all in my head

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I know I shouldn’t be thinking like this, but I seriously only ever think about her. About how I fucked things up, every hint I couldn’t get from her, every mistake I made that added up to why she left me.. and how we used each other to fulfill each others’ needs. I mean, from the way it seemed like, I was just using her for sexual gratification, and she was just using me as a tool who gave endless amounts of attention. The last words she told me before she broke up with me still ring in my head.

‘I’m sorry. I’m just an attentionwhore.’

‘No. No you weren’t. You meant so much more to me’ is what I really wanted to say, but from the way I treated her.. I didn’t have the right to say that. It didn’t seem like I really loved her, huh? The overly-jealous, paranoid boyfriend regressed to an cynical, apathetic, shell-of-a-man. I didn’t even care that the woman I dated after her was cheating on me the entire time, I just stopped caring.

What made her so damned special, why is she still floating around in my mind after all these years? Why can I not open up to anybody?

Why couldn’t I take a relationship further after her? I just can’t seem to tell anybody else ‘I love you’ without it sounding so forced. I don’t even want to hang with women who show an interest in me. I’m so avoidant nowadays. I can’t even stand it when a female friend tells me she cares about me. I reply nicely,but in my head, I’m thinking, ‘what a bunch of bullshit. You hardly even know me.’ I don’t even interest in relationships anymore. Love doesn’t real with anybody else. At least, that’s how I feel now.

3 Comments

  1. kiara kiara

    i just found out Philophobia is an actual ‘thing’ and wow, that truly took my breath away.

  2. Roberta Roberta

    This is definitely a real thing… I am in the same situation. A three year relationship just gone because he didn’t know or understand baby blues and depression. He gave up at the time I was coming around, now he’s wondering what if and I’m faced with the panic attacks of the fear of loving him or anyone else again. Until you’ve made peace with the old relationship don’t try to start a new one because they end as quickly as the start. The solution for me is no matter how many panic attacks I have I’m going to try to love again.

  3. Jacquelyn Jacquelyn

    My ex who is still stuck in my mind was so abusive, he nearly killed me right before I was forced to leave him. We had one of those relationships where, he was so fucked in the head mentally from his mother’s love you hate you on a daily basis type of child-raising attitude and then suicide when he was 20 that his romantic relationships were a bit crazy – the girls he had before me fit that bill – but I wasn’t the type to sleep with him and another girl in his musician way, I didn’t do the backdoor, etc. We did a lot of drugs together, but we were also sober together. We had really,really horrible times but we also had a family. We had clear eyed moments of actual connection where love was found, and we made decisions. Then came bath salts, and his psychological issues were enhanced, and my anxiety was enhanced, and by the time the abuse had gotten to the point where I was having to go to school with visible bruises – I mean, what can you do? That was in 2011, the summer, when I left. Right before July began. Since then, we’ve almost been like a phone call couple. Back and forth like something might work, I forgive him because I love him but he has told me some things like I was the biggest waste of time because I just up and left him back there. He didn’t do anything wrong, I deserved what I got. Still to this day, even though he’s sober, he doesn’t think any of the violence was his fault or wrong. It was my fault. He is nastier to me with every message, and yet I still allow them. The attachment I made, the family we had with my girls before things went bad, the loyalty I have…I can’t seem to let go of no matter how much worse it gets even just over the phone. I’ve only seen him four times since then. He’s told me he’s loved me three times and I believe I’ve been told about my every flaw in minute detail thru text and email every day for the past year and a half. I’m terrified now, because he’s finally sober for a while now and making some use of his life – and he says, move on now. I don’t love you, I don’t want you, move on. Ok. I’m afraid if I ever get attached to anyone else, if I even have the ability to now, it will turn into something like a bribe. He made love seem like it was something that can be taken away without a moment’s notice if I did one thing wrong, just one tiny thing. He actually put the heart on a necklace and ripped it from my neck before to make the idea literal. So, I understand and I understand this phobia, but I’m not there yet. I don’t want to be alone, I’m too young to be afraid of other people like this and I don’t want to alienate people because of what one person decided to do to me. However, until this man’s claws are out of my conscious and subconscious there’s no way I could put my full attention into someone else. So, I hope it can happen soon. My fear is that I will fear love like in the phobia philophobia. I wish the best to everyone else dealing with these same issues.

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