I know I shouldn’t be thinking like this, but I seriously only ever think about her. About how I fucked things up, every hint I couldn’t get from her, every mistake I made that added up to why she left me.. and how we used each other to fulfill each others’ needs. I mean, from the way it seemed like, I was just using her for sexual gratification, and she was just using me as a tool who gave endless amounts of attention. The last words she told me before she broke up with me still ring in my head.
‘I’m sorry. I’m just an attentionwhore.’
‘No. No you weren’t. You meant so much more to me’ is what I really wanted to say, but from the way I treated her.. I didn’t have the right to say that. It didn’t seem like I really loved her, huh? The overly-jealous, paranoid boyfriend regressed to an cynical, apathetic, shell-of-a-man. I didn’t even care that the woman I dated after her was cheating on me the entire time, I just stopped caring.
What made her so damned special, why is she still floating around in my mind after all these years? Why can I not open up to anybody?
Why couldn’t I take a relationship further after her? I just can’t seem to tell anybody else ‘I love you’ without it sounding so forced. I don’t even want to hang with women who show an interest in me. I’m so avoidant nowadays. I can’t even stand it when a female friend tells me she cares about me. I reply nicely,but in my head, I’m thinking, ‘what a bunch of bullshit. You hardly even know me.’ I don’t even interest in relationships anymore. Love doesn’t real with anybody else. At least, that’s how I feel now.