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No real reason for it

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I fell out of my first crush last year. I am 99% sure he cheated on me at some point and he won’t speak to me even a year after the break up. The last time I spoke to him, I was on the phone downstairs of my house and he sent someone down because I was very ill. I left and spent a week in hospital, waiting for a text to see if I was okay. I never got one, we haven’t spoken since.

I enjoyed my freedom until about 3 months ago, I went to meet an old friend and we kissed. I made an excuse to leave, walked home in tears, walking fast to vent my frustration. I have suffered with SI/H for a year now and those nights just make it worse. I had myself totally convinced that I’m a horrible person for ‘leading him on’ (which I now realise I didn’t do).

I have tried with men again since and every time it’s the same. The man will kiss me or we kiss each other or he’ll confess to me but every time I make an excuse to leave, go home and cry. It’s a nightmare, I live in complete solitude and have no idea what to do with myself. The only thing I can spend myself loving and living with the rest of my life is my dog. It’s sad really

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