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Fear on both sides

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I’m not sure how to start this, so I’m just going to say what the title means. I’m terrified of loving and being loved, but at the same time, I’m scared of being alone. And with these two fears clashing, it’s constant hell.

I’ve only had one girlfriend, but that only lasted about 2 months.. And quite honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever really recovered from that, even though it was almost 5 years ago. I was pretty much a rebound for her, and after that, I’m just scared of feeling the same hurt I felt after it ended.

I’ve “liked” a few other women and had initially become friends with them. But was too afraid to tell them about liking them for quite a while. When I do that, they never feel the same and I end up driving them away, leaving me feeling even more hurt.

Now I’m just not sure what to do anymore because I am terribly afraid of going through the same thing and feeling that pain. But at the same time, I am incredibly afraid of ending up alone as well. And piled on top of that now is being unemployed and turned down for job after job. I know a huge part of that is because of the way I am whenever I meet for an interview. I can’t relax and become very nervous.

Btw, I have been diagnosed with Social Anxiety and Depression. I’m sick of being stuck in this vicious cycle of falling further and further into a state of path of self destruction.

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