I dont know when all this started. Since I was small I’ve always had crushes, boys that I liked alot but the idea to have them as a boyfriend never crossed my mind though. I was happy being single. During middle school the friends around me started looking for boyfriends and I felt I had to do that same.
At the end of 8th grade I found out that a boy I liked liked me back. He never asked me out, just started tell his friends that we were a couple. It was okay for awhile and I went along with everything that was going on. It wasnt until he wanted to start kissing that I became very nervous. Maybe it was fear but I dreaded having to kiss him. It made me naeusuos. It wasnt that he was bad at it, it was just that I didnt like it. Then out of the blue he said he loved me. I thought it was the most stupidest thing ever, to say you love someone so young. I guess I believed that because I watched so many couples around me, including my parents, leave each other after saying ‘i love you’ all the time.
I began to think love made everything disappear and change so I began to hate it. After that it freaked me out and I started to be really mean to him. I hated when he got all emotional and would scoff at him when he did. He even told me I had no emotions. He would follow me around and claim to want to always be around me and I would get annoyed at that. Soon enough he broke up with me. I was really relieved and a little saddened because he only proved my theory that love ruins everything (he even began to ignore me even though we were best friends before all that).
Right now I dont believe I’ll ever fall in love, or ever get another boyfriend (not just because he told all his friends I could never love). It just doesnt feel right to me. I’ve always questioned the rationality of relationships and I still dont get the emotional need it has. I just dont do romance because I believe that I fear the connection needed for it and the possibility that the connection might hurt me if it didnt work out. I thought that these thoughts made me weird and I would cry alot but now after thinking about it and reading other peoples posts I’ve come to terms with this and just continued to love my life.