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I’m such an idiot

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It all started when I was born I guess. My Dad was a dick, mom dealt with it. He was abusive and obnoxious, a real asshole. Until they got divorced when I was in fifth grade. It was heaven at first. Then he made our lives a living hell. I hate to say it but I hate my father for all the hurt that he’s caused. I’ve turned away from love completely because I keep thinking that I’ll just end up like my mom, stuck with someone that is gonna slowly kill me on the inside.

I’ve tried dating. Well, not really. I liked a guy. I thought he liked me back, still getting weird signals, but once I was ready to tell him he made out with my best friend infront of me and told me he never wanted to see me again. I was pissed. I hated him, and everybody for years. Then I met a cool fella that wasn’t that far from my house. Then my other best friend went after him and I just ended even though he picked me over her. I just can’t stop thinking that I need new friends, new place, new everything because I’m invisible to everybody.

But this place is suffocating, I’m scared. I just want to be held at night but that means I’d have to stay in one place. I like moving because if I keep moving then nothing can become familiar to hurt me. And Lord knows I’ve been hurt. If I open up just a little it’s like being cut down the middle and having everybody shove their filthy hands inside to play operation. I don’t want this anymore. But I can’t take the risk of getting shattered against because I’ll fall to dust and no glue can fix that can it?

I’ve just learned to turn off all my emotions and put a smile on my face cause it’s the only way to get through the day.

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