His words keep playing back inside my mind, a broken record track, really, “I don’t care what you do or say to me, I’ll ALWAYS be here for you, and I care for then you’ll ever realize; I’m not going to just let you push me away.” Ha! That’s what all the others I have brought close to me have said, only to have them stab me in the back and leave me breathless and wondering why I allow myself to even try anymore!
He doesn’t understand the pain I’ve gone through, he couldn’t possibly realize this is all just a re-run of the wonderful life of mine I live. Why can’t he see why I just CAN’T trust him? Why I just CAN’T believe him when he says he cares and will be there?
I’m so, so scared of being hurt again… And I’m not willing to take any risks anymore with love and friendship.
My best friend said those same words to me just before he swallowed a whole bottle of pills and jumped off an interstate bridge, and also the one person of my dreams stated to me before spreading vicious lies and destroying not only their life, but mine.
It’s the same thing my pathetic drunk of a mother said before being sent off to rehab for the 33rd time, and the social worker who I had after my mother had given me a busted lip, a scratched neck and black eye the size of an apple.
He just can’t understand that my solitude may be voluntary, but necessary as well. I wish I could love him; I wish I could pull him close and tell him the same… But it’s just too damn bad.
Love is but a chemical imbalance, trust a beautiful lie created by man. And I guess that is that.