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Cheat myself out of real happiness

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I’ve been over this guy for a while now. I went through all the stages of grief – it felt like that after 7 years together: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, but I’ve become aware of a sixth stage: philophobia.

As a human being, I started noticing my need for physical attention and made an arrangement with a friend of mine. When he mentioned a few times he was falling for me, I shot him down. Hard. And now it has come to bite me in the ass. Hard.

I feel something for this man, yet I am so afraid. So afraid to tell him, to show him and even to admit it to myself. I keep hoping that he’ll say something again to get me out of this state – to get me to know how to love, but mostly be loved again.

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