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Oh, the irony

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I have always been this way from the first time a boy asked me out in elementary school. I had always been overly aggressive to try and shove people away, but as soon as it started happening I flipped out. I couldn’t handle it and I wanted to die on many occasions. I would do anything to keep them away, but at the same time I couldn’t understand why I felt so alone. I isolated myself in middle school and by the time I got into high school I met a boy that wanted to be with me. I tried it and said yes when he asked me out…An hour later after just holding hands I freaked and said I didn’t want to talk to him again. Yeah, that’s right. An hour.

My mom said it was normal, but looking around I knew it wasn’t. I reconnected with him again at the beginning of this year (4 years later) and even went out on a date (that did last more then an hour). After words he asked when I would make plans with him again. I said “We’ll see” and haven’t talked to him in six months. In that time I’ve met someone I really really care about. He showed me that he really cared too, and I ran.

Difference? He has been coming after me. The Irony? He is a hard core romantic and I’m hard core avoiding it. He is my best friend, but I really just want to curl up into a corner and die there. I have been so happy and miserable at the same time it makes me physically sick. I don’t know what to do because I’m mixed up in a whirl wind of emotion. I don’t feel okay and I think I’m going crazy.

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