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Problems

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I was 5 when some bad event happened to me. The kids were playing and I was just watching them play. Suddenly, a boy comes in the room and asks if one of us can play with him. He was a teenager and I remember his name was Kevin. Everyone ran away, but I did not know what was going on at all. He forced me in a room and locked the door, then made me do something with him. It was a confusing and terrible experience. I told my Mom on him later on and my cousin. I don’t remember if my Mom reacted but my cousin said it’s normal. I didn’t get it, and she was the same age as me.

Years passed and I left that all behind, but at age 9 I met this really cute boy named Daniel. We met each other at someones house for a party or something. We all played with the kids hide-and-seek and he hid in the same spot as me. He was my first crush. I was kind of happy being able to play with him. A week later I find out that my cousin had the guts to ask him out and they were dating. That’s when my jealousy came in and I ignored this for 2 years.

After those 2 years another boy popped into the scene named Jam. He was a quiet kid and he only listened to his headphones. I made friends with him and he hung out with me more often than I thought he would. My plan was to use him to make Daniel jealous and want me. It was a pretty stupid game I was playing I admit. Daniel looked like he was jealous. Jam had a crush on a girl named Courtney, but he still played with me asking for me to stay when I was about to leave. I didn’t know if he was playing with me or actually like me. A couple of weeks later we found out he cheated on my cousin. I was happy to hear that they broke up, but didn’t like the fact that he cheated on her. I did feel sorry for her.

Jam continued to be friends with me, but after all we’ve been through I’ve reached my boiling point and said “you’re annoying.” It just slipped out of my mouth. I regretted saying that, and a few weeks later he left. 4 years passed by and he visited once or twice in the 3rd and 4th year. Later on, he came back for good. I forgot what happened in the past and he put it all behind too. When he came back he seemed different that I couldn’t understand something about him.

He was back alright I said to myself. Jam was back, but he’s changed. He was more talkative than quiet and had a warm aura coming from him. He talked to me again quite often and followed me a lot. He kept calling me beautiful or making love jokes. Here is one of them but I don’t know if he was serious or just joking about it: You see that door? Me: Yes, why? Jam: Lets go out. Here’s one more. Jam: You want a kiss? Me: WHAT?!? Jam:(Gives hershey kiss)Here. Those were the weirdest jokes he ever told me.

As the year was going by he was suddenly so persistent on me by giving me flowers, serenading me, trying to talk to me, but every time he did I always pushed him away because I was scared of being loved. I knew what usually happens in relationships and didn’t want it to happen to me just like my cousin. Every guy that asked me out I gave them a cold answer like “NO” or made an excuse like “my mom won’t allow me.” That year my heart beat felt different and I often got restless or it was hard for me to breath right.

Jam told me many times that he liked me or said I love you, but I took them as a joke. I didn’t know if he was serious or not so I tested him to see if he was worthy of me. What I didn’t like about him is how he flirted with other girls, and the ways he tried to make excuses to hug me, as if I were sick or something. The end of the year was coming and it felt like he was giving up on me. I felt relieved that he wasn’t doing that much to make me his anymore but I was saddened inside. I’ve been like this since I was 9 years old.

I am now 15 and he doesn’t seem that into me anymore. He talks to me once in a while, but not like he did before. I regretted saying those things to him. He says something nice to me, but everything that came from my mouth was the opposite or cold. Please help me! What can I do now?

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