I’m 20 and I’ve been through a certain number of relationships by now, most of which have been unsuccessful, and to some extent have left me an emotional wreck; and I’m talking about the long-term effects, not the short-term effects.
Only one relationship for me was the best of them all, and it was a long distance relationship; afterwards, mostly every other relationship I had, or tried to have, ended badly; although, even the relationships I had before the “big one” were pretty bad.
Today a girl asked me out; I’ve noticed that she pays me more attention than normal, and that there’s a good chance she likes me. She’s great. When she asked me out, at first I was a bit happy (because I’m mostly cynical), but then I started feeling sick, nauseous to some extent, extremely anxious, and started to panic; the very thought of holding hands, or possibly emotionally committing was terrible and made me want to cancel the whole thing. We went out, and by my standards, it was crap, because of me; because I didn’t act like I wanted to, like I liked her (because I do), because I was too scared to even try.
I know all this is abnormal and it’s redundant to some extent, to be against emotional commitment because you’re afraid of it; more than that, I’m pretty cynical all the time, and that exuberates my philophobia.
I don’t want to get help, I just want to hear someone else say something about it; I just wanted to get it off my chest.