I’ve never known what “IT” is. Never been able to see it when it’s in plain sight either. And i don’t wish to blame others for haveing this fear, considering how much I already do blame my family. Not going into detail but basically they never loved me, or cared, just pure neglect and hate.
But this has placed such painful scars upon me; to the extreme to where I can’t even say the word “Love”. And whenever I feel like somebody likes me, I always fear I can’t return the same feelings. Which I guess would be why guys at school often see me as “the heart-breaker”; due to me dating a guy and ending it shortly because of the nervousness and weak they make me feel.
Day in and day out-carving words into my mind like “You’re no good, if your own family can’t love you, how or why should anybody else!!!”
i’ve really no reason for why I’m posting this to be honest. I suppose just to tell others for me philophobia is backwords–fearing love because I’ve no idea what it is or if I’m even capable of doing so. Perhaps if I avoid those who like me I’ll feel better, more controlled, more…independent.