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Sick of being afraid

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Today my friend and I went to see a movie, along with lunch. It’s the first time I’ve ever hung out with a guy alone and I was uncomfortable most of the time. I felt like I had to force myself to act normal and immediately afterwards we separated, I texted him, asking if what we just did was a date or not. After he said it wasn’t a date, I was extremely relieved. However, I can still feel myself avoiding him because I briefly saw him as a partner.

Also, earlier this year, I started liking another one of my friends. I think we had a good thing going, but I couldn’t stand the thought of being controlled by my emotions for him and I abruptly stop contacting him. I would avoid him when I saw him. Now, after I killed my emotions for him, I can talk normally to him again.

Even before that, a friend of mine confessed to me and I completely freaked. I actually got the feeling he liked me even before he said so, but I was hoping I was just being paranoid. I avoided him completely and said mean things to him when he tried to approach me. We don’t talk anymore.

I’m sick of being afraid of relationships. I’m sick of wanting to forget everything about someone after I start to see them romantically. I think I’m afraid of being helpless to the person I love. Even the word love, when it’s applied to myself creeps me out.

I don’t get why I resent it so much. All the other people I know seem to have no problems at all.

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