Every morning, I would wake up to her texts. I’d try to think of how to respond, and say something utterly stupid. She said I was perfect, and I know she is. She’s absolutely perfect to me. When I was talking to her… It felt as though nothing else mattered. She promised we would be together forever. She was my life, my soul, my everything. One night it all just… Stopped. It happened so quickly. “The truth is, I was only with you for all those months to make you happy.”
Once I received that text, I instantly threw up. The one person I ever truly cared about was leaving me. I broke down, and sobbed for hours on end. It may seem stupid, but truly, I didn’t know what was happening. She was the world to me. We lasted a week as friends, until she called me one night in tears. She was in love with someone else, and told me about how badly she just wanted to be held by them, and wanted to kiss them.
At that moment, I completely broke. I told her it would be okay, and it was for them. For me, not so much. My best friend soon became her best friend, and I was left with no one. No one I could talk to, at least. I didn’t know what to do, so I did everything I could to not feel the pain. I made cuts down my arms and legs, and almost killed myself. I felt the burn, but I couldn’t feel the pain.
Ever since then, she’s only texted me once. She said to burn myself, and cut myself. I don’t know why, but the words still ring clear in my mind.
A sort of numbness has over taken me now. If someone says they like me, I smile and nod. But inside I’m only thinking, “I don’t know if I should believe that or not. No matter how lovely you are, I can never have feelings for you.” No matter how many opportunities for emotional attachment appear, I cant take them. It’s as though every part of my brain is telling me I should, but I physically cant. Love doesn’t feel like anything with anyone but her. /I/ don’t feel like anything without her. It’s been such a long time… What even made her so special? They say the price of love is loss, but still we pay. It feels like I’ve run out of money for it. No one else matters.
My best friend wont talk to me much anymore, and I’ve blocked her Facebook account in hope of forgetting. I’ll never forget… can’t love anyone else. Try as I may, the idea of it makes me vomit. I cant talk to anybody about it. Some days I feel there’s just not a way to go on. I’m living in a world of clouds and grey, but one thing’s crystal clear: I wish she was here. I love her. But every day I’m learning that all my life I’ve only been pretending. Without me, her world will go on turning. A world that’s full of happiness. I want her to be happy. I just wish I could have been the one to make her happy.