I’m not sure how this all started. I’ve always avoided meeting new people and making friends and I never thought anything of it. When I manage to meet someone new I instantly assume they hate me. I am fine with that though. I have no problems with being alone. I enjoy it. Sometimes it gets a little depressing and I try to find a relationship. It never works out though. As soon as the person tells me they love me or I realize that I love them I start to panic. Everything in my body screams to run and I feel like I’m about to die.
I… Just can’t bring myself to be with someone. To be their slave… To lose myself to them… I know that they won’t ever feel the same way that I would about them and then they would leave me… I’m fine with being alone but not with someone leaving me. I have to be the one in control. Not them. I have to be the master of my body. Not my emotions.
If someone tries to get close to me, I run. Sometimes I physically run away but most of the time I do it mentally. I pull back, raise walls, and force my emotions so deep within me that they can’t control me. I’m okay with sex. Sex means nothing to me. It’s the emotions the people try to bring with them that jump starts my panic attacks. So I push away and convince myself they no one will ever love me and I feel safe.
I feel hated and isolated but it doesn’t hurt. Nothing can hurt me if I don’t feel anything. I’m as unfeeling as stone and I’m fine with it. No one can touch me. I’m alone and I’m fine with it. To be alone… To be without love.. Is to be safe.