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It took me give years to realize…

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Where to start? My high school relationships were not the best; one was manipulative while the others were obsessive.

What leads me to my self-diagnosis with philophobia was a visit two weeks ago. It was not a visit from an ex-girlfriend, but from her mother. This particular relationship started out okay with harmless e-mail exchanges and overly excited writers’ workshop meetings. However, that was where it took a turn for the worse. She initially forced me to attend her junior prom without even asking me first. I thought this was just a get-together between friends so I had no objections.

Months later, I found myself hanging out with her at a house in the woods. We played Clue which was harmless, right? Unfortunately, no. She moved her character past mine and made a little kissing sound like how she pecked me during the prom. That’s when I started getting the chills. Before we left that house, she asked me if I wanted to start a family. This was only a few months after the prom and we haven’t known each other for a year. I went pale and said no as we drove away.

That was five years ago and her mother dropped by my workplace. I could feel that creeping sense of dread as she spoke. I wanted to run. I remained distant from everyone for the rest of the week, afraid that she could come back with my ex.

So many people asked me if I had a girlfriend or if I was ever going marry. There was even a post on my university’s “crushes” page on Facebook talking about me. As much as it’s flattering, it makes me paranoid that the same thing will happen again if I entered a relationship.

Five years and now I realize how afraid I am. Such a long time…

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