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I don’t understand what happened to me

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I used to be a very loving person. It was something that came naturally to me and I felt it everywhere. Life was beautiful then, it was different than it is now.

That changed after my first, and last love, emotionally abused me and left me when I was suffering through treatment for a very serious illness. He took everything when he left.

After him, I found someone else. To say the least, he was a monster. And after him, one more – someone whose sole intention was never love but lust. When I discovered I’d miscarried and had none of his support, my heart broke for a final time. It’s never been the same since. All love has ever brought me is loss.

I’ve never felt the same way about people again. I don’t feel that kind of love the way I used to, even for friends and family sometimes. I see myself as being very singular and I don’t like when someone gets too close, especially in a romantic way. Love to me is a threat, it is weakness, it is letting other people control you with what you feel for them, and I resent that.

I went on a date recently. He held my hand and kissed my cheek, and I was frozen. I could feel the panic rising as I tried to block out my feelings and remain composed. When I got home I started to cry because it was just too close for me to handle.

I used to want to get married. Have kids, a family of my own. Now I see just myself in my future. I miss the girl I used to be, before it all happened. I’ve tried to hold on to her, but I can’t find her in myself anymore. And now I’m afraid if someone good comes along they won’t be able to find her either.

2 Comments

  1. Teresa Teresa

    Its completely understandable to feel the way you do after what what you’ve been through. I know it may not mean much .. but you didn’t deserve any of that. Life dealt you a bad had and it was shitty. But you will heal with time and when you are at peace with your life, love will find YOU. And it will be up to you to decide what to do. Love is innate .. it doesn’t go anywhere. How you feel right now is just for NOW. Stay strong and focus on yourself for a while .. you’ll be amazed at how quickly change happens 🙂 Hope this helps!

  2. Anonymous Female Anonymous Female

    Thank you Teresa for your comment. I feel like for the first time, I am understood for how I truly feel. What you said to me has really touched me, and I’ll never forget it.

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