I used to be a very loving person. It was something that came naturally to me and I felt it everywhere. Life was beautiful then, it was different than it is now.
That changed after my first, and last love, emotionally abused me and left me when I was suffering through treatment for a very serious illness. He took everything when he left.
After him, I found someone else. To say the least, he was a monster. And after him, one more – someone whose sole intention was never love but lust. When I discovered I’d miscarried and had none of his support, my heart broke for a final time. It’s never been the same since. All love has ever brought me is loss.
I’ve never felt the same way about people again. I don’t feel that kind of love the way I used to, even for friends and family sometimes. I see myself as being very singular and I don’t like when someone gets too close, especially in a romantic way. Love to me is a threat, it is weakness, it is letting other people control you with what you feel for them, and I resent that.
I went on a date recently. He held my hand and kissed my cheek, and I was frozen. I could feel the panic rising as I tried to block out my feelings and remain composed. When I got home I started to cry because it was just too close for me to handle.
I used to want to get married. Have kids, a family of my own. Now I see just myself in my future. I miss the girl I used to be, before it all happened. I’ve tried to hold on to her, but I can’t find her in myself anymore. And now I’m afraid if someone good comes along they won’t be able to find her either.