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Confused

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I’m not so sure what’s going on, but I feel the need to let this out. Just recently, romantic feelings were expressed by someone of the opposite sex to me. And although, I would have welcomed it, lets say, days ago, I find that I feel anxious and sad now.

I feel lonely, but when the time comes to actually having a companion, I want to escape because I’m so scared. I don’t understand why I am though. About a year ago, the same time happened. I was so excited about getting into a relationship, but when I actually was in one, I was depressed. I felt like I was suffocating. I lied to break it off, because I felt there was a black cloud over my head at all times. The partner I ended it with was heart broken, and I never really had a good enough reason to give to him as to why I did what I did. All I knew, was that I was extremely unhappy.

I remember once, someone had asked me to lunch. It was just lunch, but I knew they had feelings. And it was weird, because I may have had feelings as well. But when it came down to day of the lunch, I ended up having a panic attack. Of course, at the time, I didn’t know what was happening to me, but I fled the scene after I couldn’t take the “pressure”. My heart was beating too fast and hard, I was sweating, I was so warm. It was like I was suffocating.

Just today, I realized I probably have Philophobia, I think I do. And the reasons that have caused it are not so clear to me. However, I have somewhat of an idea. Let me just say that I’ve hurt many people because of “this” – whatever it is. But I’ve never meant to do it. It hurts me to know that my own deep issues can so easily be reflected and get entangled with the lives of others. I don’t want that.

In the end, I’m more confused than ever.

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