There are others!! WOOO HOOO!!
Is it bad that I’m happy? Sorry, I don’t mean to be but the fact that there are other people who go through these states of mind and feelings is so interesting.
SO we are all scared shitless. Now the question is WHY. WHY is it that I can’t be open to love or get scared when someone TRIES. Why do I push the one I actually have feelings for away and sabotage myself?
It is completely illogical. Right?
But I think that life is crazy. The things we see, the things we were brought up with in our own homes, the way our parents relationship is, the way other people’s relationships fall apart .. these are all factors that shape the fear.
I can only speak for myself, but long story short, my parents are Korean-American. They’re relationship is better now but growing up in my teens, I saw some pretty bad stuff from their rare blow up fights. It scarred me. It made me feel like I couldn’t trust guys and I also have a personal fight with myself about being a “tough Asian” girl. I would see other Asian girls be dumped into this passive, pushover sort of category. Like a girl with no opinion and I vowed to never be that way. So i became the opposite.
My strength in combination with my defensive nature with guys has definitely attributed to the not being able to be open thing. And by reading these posts, it just sounds like we’ve all been through some sort of shit. Shit thats affected us to respond a certain way or think a certain way.
But the silver lining is that you always get another shot. Another day to TRY and be open. TRY to not run. TRY to let someone in. You’ll always have that no matter what. It’s easy to get down on yourself and think of all the things you could’ve done but thats fruitless cause all we have are these moments now.
I am 24, had one BARELY considered relationship when I was 19, I enjoy having fun and my friends truly are the best. And even though I can’t picture yet, one day I will fall in love. And its not gonna be hard. I won’t feel pressure or panic .. it will be natural and easy. And i’m letting it all go right now. Everything is a clean slate. Time to start FRESH!