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What was I thinking?

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So there was this guy I liked- no, loved. Love. I still do. He’s always on my mind, the was he makes me smile so easily, the way he brightens my day instantly. The way he makes me happy. At one point he had told me he loved me back an I had believed him. That was my mistake, and where the turmoil comes in. A few weeks later he’s over me, but I’m still in love with him. And then he left me- the way always promised he never would.

He had said he would never ever leave my life, phase me out the way all my other friends an family- people I loved- had. But he did. He put me through such hell, yet I tried and tried to keep in touch. Soon, though, I found myself back in the protective- reclusive shell he had worked so hard to pull me out of. It was as if we’d never met, and I was the terrified, lonely girl I was before. I had been so afraid to love him. But he had found a way to open me up- to get me to love him. And I willing fell.

But after he phased me out the way he had promised he wouldn’t I was right back to where I started. My heart was still set on him as I say back, unnoticed in my cocoon of fear- fear to ever love anyone else because of the pain he caused me. I even turned down really great guys who probably wouldn’t have done me wrong like he had. But I was just too afraid to go through the agony I had again.

And the thing is, even after this, I’m still In Love with him. Afraid to be rejected, afraid to be neglected, but in love. It’s scary how I can’t give him up.

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