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Content with loneliness

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So.. for the past year I have broken up with every single guy that I thought I was getting too close to or the one that I thought I might accidentally fall in love with or the ones that might possibly love me or eventually love me. Why? I’ve had so many people tell me that they love me, rather if it’s a friendly love or an intimate kind of love, but they always seemed to disappear over a matter of time, or have a very sick and twisted way of showing that they love me.

When I was about 4, my mother ran away with some guy, soon later my father did because he couldn’t handle it, and although they were rich, they were drug addicts. They always told me that they loved me and that they loved each other, so they gave me a pretty twisted picture of what love is. Pretty much the same goes with everyone that told me they love me. They’ll tell me, I would believe it, fall in love with them and then they would leave.

I dated a guy for over a year once so I could swear that we would be together and get married but then he texted me one day and told me that he didn’t love me anymore. The one person I actually trusted to love me, didn’t. Similar things happened with a few other guys after that, they swore they loved me, but they were “just kidding” as they say. So that’s why I can’t let myself get close to anyone, I don’t trust them and I’m scared to fall in love with them because I always think and almost know for a FACT that they’ll leave someday.

The only person that I let love me is my ADOPTED mom. Ever since my parents left, she has done everything but give birth to me. She’s the only person that gives me hope that maybe.. just MAYBE you can actually love someone without fear. That’s my dream, love without fearing the consequences.

One Comment

  1. Aaron Aaron

    You’re posting here, trying to understand yourself. That tells me you aren’t content with loneliness. You are afraid, because love doesn’t always feel the way you hope it will. I know that fear, my heart’s been broken so many times now all I can see is pain before I even let myself enjoy the company of another person. It can take me years to care deeply for someone, and then I find out they never cared the same way.

    One thing I might add. Just because love fades over time doesn’t mean it was never there. Nothing lasts forever. Not life, not love. These guys who have hurt you, they felt something. It was passion, or lust, but they didn’t want you for your glorious mind and your wounded heart. Take it as a compliment. You are desirable, and can afford to be more selective.

    Next time you find yourself attracted to someone who wants you, ask yourself: Is this the kind of love I want right now? Look carefully at the other person and try to understand what they want from you. Become strong and love yourself, enough to know when someone is wrong for you. Also, don’t deprive yourself of companionship. If you want to hold someone close, but don’t feel comfortable letting them in to your heart, be honest with them about your fears. The right ones will not rush you into false security.

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