I believe to a large degree our experiences in our youth very much set our pathways emotionally and cognitively.
When i was fourteen my father killed himself and it obviously had a huge lasting effect, i felt very unloved and feel this imprinted that love hurts in me deep. I was a young man and about six months after dad died my first loved dumped me, this event hurt as well. but i already cognitively knew that getting close to others caused (or had the potential to cause) the most excruciating mental pain ever felt.
As life went on i felt the very strong honest call to be loved and love. Each time a relationship ended the exact same physical and mental pains returned, later on in my twenties a brother died and again the deepest love caused so much pain . and later a friend killed and later yet another brother died …. you get it love began to equal abandonment and pain. Yet i still poses this human need for love.
I tried for a few years to abandon this love feeling so much i couldn’t love myself …. So i was in a real paradox most of my life wanting to love and be loved but knowing it will eventually end somehow and devastate me.
I am a handsome man so was courted by women often enough and would go out with whom ever asked (i have never asked a lady out my entire life). I had four relationships in my adult life each lasting five years. And ending with them leaving or cheating on me. They all said they never felt loved. I loved them so much i thought and was wrecked each time a relation ended.
I am now in my late forties going through it all again. I have tried to explain this to women before how the thought and dependency of love terrified me but doesn’t mean i don’t love. I explained i would never lie, cheat, leave or be unproductive and always find the positive in things …. still the selfishness we all poses trumped love each time.
I remain a handsome man, financially fit, and intellectually sound. Yet I can’t seem to find someone who is just ok without the big Love word threatening and eventually ending an otherwise great relationship.