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Early childhood, perhaps

Please share!

I believe to a large degree our experiences in our youth very much set our pathways emotionally and cognitively.

When i was fourteen my father killed himself and it obviously had a huge lasting effect, i felt very unloved and feel this imprinted that love hurts in me deep. I was a young man and about six months after dad died my first loved dumped me, this event hurt as well. but i already cognitively knew that getting close to others caused (or had the potential to cause) the most excruciating mental pain ever felt.

As life went on i felt the very strong honest call to be loved and love. Each time a relationship ended the exact same physical and mental pains returned, later on in my twenties a brother died and again the deepest love caused so much pain . and later a friend killed and later yet another brother died …. you get it love began to equal abandonment and pain. Yet i still poses this human need for love.

I tried for a few years to abandon this love feeling so much i couldn’t love myself …. So i was in a real paradox most of my life wanting to love and be loved but knowing it will eventually end somehow and devastate me.

I am a handsome man so was courted by women often enough and would go out with whom ever asked (i have never asked a lady out my entire life). I had four relationships in my adult life each lasting five years. And ending with them leaving or cheating on me. They all said they never felt loved. I loved them so much i thought and was wrecked each time a relation ended.

I am now in my late forties going through it all again. I have tried to explain this to women before how the thought and dependency of love terrified me but doesn’t mean i don’t love. I explained i would never lie, cheat, leave or be unproductive and always find the positive in things …. still the selfishness we all poses trumped love each time.

I remain a handsome man, financially fit, and intellectually sound. Yet I can’t seem to find someone who is just ok without the big Love word threatening and eventually ending an otherwise great relationship.

One Comment

  1. FIRST OF ALL MAYBE YOUR TO FULL OF YOURSELF TO RECONIZE WHATS IN FRONT OF YOU WHEN YOU ACCOMPLISH THAT MAYBE THEN YOU UNDERSTAND LOVE IS NOT ABOUT YOU ITS ABOUT THE QUALITIES/ DEFITIONCY OF THE PERSON IN FRONT YOU THAT MATTERS. SECOND OF ALL FEAR IS THE ENEMY OF THE MIND IT TWARTS OUR EVERY EFFORT. AXIETY OF FEAR HAS BEEN KNOWN TO KILL A MAN JUST AS STEADILY AS A BULLET BUT NOT AS MERCIFUL. THIRD AND FINALLY, A MAN IS NOT A MAN TILL HE STOPS WHINNING AND REVIELING. THERE’S NO FUTURE HOPE IN IT AND WOMEN JUST DON’T GO FOR THAT. WOMEN ONLY GO FOR SOLID ,CONFIDENT AND SURE MEN. MODERDAYWARRIOR 49, SOUTHCITY, CA

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