I would say that I have a very mild case of philophobia. I am 16 and I’m currently in a 6 month relationship with this guy I like. I’m not in love with him and I don’t know when I will be or if I want to be in love with him. There are a few reasons behind this.
Back when I was 14, I gazed my eyes upon this guy at my school who was a 17 year old Senior; I couldn’t help but feel this connection and this unexplainable sensation that split second I first saw him. I knew that I had to have him. I met him in a corridor and that sensation just became stronger. It wasn’t until my best friend started talking to him when I actually got to know him better. Unfortunately, my best friend and him started a relationship which really hurt for me.
The more I helped the guy get through his heartbreak over my best friend, the more I fell for him. It got to a point where I was so madly in love with him; I’m not the kind to take a bullet for anyone, but for him, I was more than willing to. I cried when he was heartbroken or when I thought he was angry at me. If anyone called him ugly which I thought was beyond false, they would get the biggest earful from me. I isolated myself from my friends and family when he stopped talking to me and for the whole time I was in love with him, he was practically the only thing I ever thought about. Just one smile from him made my entire day.
I finally told him one day about my feelings for him, but he told me that he only views me as a really good friend. At that moment, my vision blurred, my chest area kinda ached and I suddenly felt really cold on a hot day. It was unpleasant; the first guy I fell in love with had rejected me and nothing was a worse feeling at that time. From then on, I guess that’s when I started developing philophobia. I’m still friends with that guy and still care about him so much.
That’s not to say I didn’t flirt and take interest with other guys after that experience, it was a tad hard to push past my fear of being in love when I did, because I ended up with my boyfriend a couple years later. Now onto the second reason.
Nearly 3 months into our relationship, this heaps attractive guy I saw around school and after school had been hitting on me. He had showered me so much attention to the point where him and I hooked up (I also gave him a hand job) behind my boyfriend’s back. I know I should have gone on a break with my boyfriend before I did stuff with the other guy, but part of the reason it happened other than impulse was that I didn’t want to fall in love with this other guy. I knew that if I took a break or broke up with my boyfriend to do that, I was most likely going to fall for the guy. My boyfriend knows about the incident, so don’t worry, I’ve been honest with him in that respect.
My boyfriend and I have been talking about making love recently, but I have been held back for a few reasons, but the main reason being that apparently once you have intercourse with a guy, you will have an emotional attachment to them. The thought of getting heartbroken again from being in love if something happens is a scary thought. I even avoid being nice to him in public and I refuse to hold his hand when we’re out.
As for now, I’m not that fussed if he hooks up with another girl as revenge for what I did to him and I’d like my feelings to stay that way. My boyfriend suggested help for my philophobia (probably because he’s in love with me and I don’t feel that same way back), but then again, I feel like it’s not necessary yet as I’m only young and it may change over time.