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Never been kissed

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The title fits me well. In a sense that I have literally never been kissed for the whole 25 years of my life. Why? I never had real relationship to begin with. I always retreat whenever men approach me as in interested in me.

I don’t want to get hurt, I don’t want to choose the wrong person as my spouse. I don’t want to be like my parents: dysfunctional and doomed to live years of unhappy marriage. I want to love and be loved by the right one only. I don’t need anything else.

The thing is, I don’t believe that I am capable of being genuinely loved. I see myself as a regular girl with no interesting traits whatsoever. Though sometimes, I do find some lingering glances and unnecessary care and attentions from my male friends. But I shrug it off, it’s impossible to happen to me.

So I don’t and avoid falling in love. My strategy is by devoting myself in one sided love to the one who is impossible for me to have. The one who is impossible to like me back. When they do pay some more attention to me, I retreat.

I know that I somehow suffer the fear of love for the possible hurt and pain I may suffer in the future. Or else, I might think that I don’t deserve love. It’s something beyond me. The fact is still: I feel lonely but I don’t know how to overcome this fear of love and commitment.

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