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I thought I was alone in this

Please share!

I am sorry that you all are living with this too but I admit that I am happy to find out that there are others like me. I have been this way for as long as I can remember. I hate it when I’m alone but I felt safe. I wasn’t completely alone, I had men that I could call up when I was in the mood for “adult company”. It was nice that after we were done we went our own ways. I longed for a good man to spend my life with but I noticed that when I had an interest in someone, my feelings would completely change once they showed an interest in me. I still don’t understand it.

I decided to be in a relationship a few times and they all ended the same. My lack of trust was slowly driving me insane everyday. They were so kind to me but it’s almost as if I was refusing to believe that there feelings were real. I know I drove them away. I am ashamed to admit that when I thought they were cheating on me, I felt like I had to cheat on them. I had to keep things “even”.

A year and a half ago I started dating the man I’m with now. I have gone down the same path. I’m trying my hardest to be “normal”. He is the best guy I’ve been with yet. We just got married last month and I don’t know if that was wise. I’m afraid that I’m going to ruin this. If I do I don’t ever want to try again. I’ve had panic attacks in the night, nightmares and tried counceling. I just wanted to find someone like me. Someone who would hear my story and not judge me or look down on me.

One Comment

  1. Jesse Jesse

    Hi.
    Reading your post was heart-rending. I just want you to know first and foremost that you are not alone. I think that fear of love is more common than people think, and I am sorry that you think you can’t trust anyone.
    Trust yourself. Trust that you won’t screw things up.
    Hope that’s good advice?

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