I am sorry that you all are living with this too but I admit that I am happy to find out that there are others like me. I have been this way for as long as I can remember. I hate it when I’m alone but I felt safe. I wasn’t completely alone, I had men that I could call up when I was in the mood for “adult company”. It was nice that after we were done we went our own ways. I longed for a good man to spend my life with but I noticed that when I had an interest in someone, my feelings would completely change once they showed an interest in me. I still don’t understand it.
I decided to be in a relationship a few times and they all ended the same. My lack of trust was slowly driving me insane everyday. They were so kind to me but it’s almost as if I was refusing to believe that there feelings were real. I know I drove them away. I am ashamed to admit that when I thought they were cheating on me, I felt like I had to cheat on them. I had to keep things “even”.
A year and a half ago I started dating the man I’m with now. I have gone down the same path. I’m trying my hardest to be “normal”. He is the best guy I’ve been with yet. We just got married last month and I don’t know if that was wise. I’m afraid that I’m going to ruin this. If I do I don’t ever want to try again. I’ve had panic attacks in the night, nightmares and tried counceling. I just wanted to find someone like me. Someone who would hear my story and not judge me or look down on me.