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Out of control

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Around the time I entered puberty, I absolutely hated the idea of “dating” (before that time, I never really considered it). I thought that crushes made people act like morons, and that the behavior of couples was corny and made me want to gag. Throughout high school, I basically maintained that attitude. I routinely stated that I would never get married, never have children, and that I felt no sexual or romantic attractions to anybody.

Recently, I fell in love with somebody. I say “recently” when in fact it was over a year ago and I only admitted it to myself in the past few months. I no longer have contact with this person, which is all for the best, because I was mortified at this development. I cannot remember a time that I have felt more devastated than when I realized I fell in love. I used to cry about it for hours in secret.

For me, falling in love symbolizes loss of control. I feel that if I am in a relationship, I will have no autonomy. I cannot pursue what I want if I am in a relationship. Furthermore, if I enter a relationship, I’ll be just like everybody else: married, with children. This concept is revolting to me. I don’t want to be just another ordinary meaningless wife or mother.

The most upsetting piece of my ability to fall in love is the fact that I can’t turn it off. There is no way for me to stop being attracted to men, there is nothing to stop me from falling in love with another one.

I am terrorized by this. I want nothing more than to will my attractions away. But, alas.

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