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My Fortress of Solitude

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I’ve always been afraid of girls. Ever since April threw away the buttercup I’d hidden in her desk. She said I was gross when my friends told her it was me. The whole class laughed, and I can hear that laughter now like it was yesterday. That was over twenty years ago.

That isn’t true though, about always being afraid. I tried again and again and again. When I was twenty I fell in love. We lived together, I thought I’d finally met the love of my life. She said she loved me too. After a while though, she stopped talking to me. She pulled away, and nothing I could do brought her back. It was hell, lying in bed next to her every night. Silence. Eventually I broke, I couldn’t take it any more. She was miserable and I let her go. I thought I couldn’t cry anymore. I was wrong.

Since then, I’ve shut everyone out. A few of my friends have held on tight enough that I spend a few hours with them once a month. After a few years I reconnected with my family. You’d think living with them I wouldn’t be able to shut them out, but I did. In my room where no one could see me or hear me, my fortress of solitude.

I finished college, I even tried dating once or twice. I don’t care anymore though, it always ends in pain. I won’t talk to a girl I don’t know. Hell I won’t talk to anyone I don’t have a good reason to.
She makes eye contact across the room, and every thing I am wants to walk over and talk to her. I don’t though. She’ll just reject me, I won’t have anything to talk about. Even if we go out she won’t answer my calls after a few dates, and if it does she’ll break up with me eventually. Worst case, she’ll wait till we get married and take half of all these things I don’t actually own.

I tell myself relationships don’t work. That I’m unlovable, that they’ll always cheat, that they’ll always leave, and I’d be better off alone in my room, my fortress of solitude.

I’m working on it. Some days are better than others. I’ve even made a few friends recently, although all I want to do is pull away again. It’s work not to lock that door, but I know. My fortress, it’s my prison.

2 Comments

  1. Phoenix Rose Phoenix Rose

    This is like my whole world rapped up in a short story i know how every bit of that feels i hate trying to talk to anyone id rather read to leave the real world i like fantasy better it hurts less but even that dose’nt help ill get so into the book and then she gets hurt and i cry with her it like love only ends in pain so i want nothing to do with it why try and just get hurt i hate being rejected i ask myself what can i do to become invisible again to melt into the back ground like a crayon in to the sun whenever guys try and talk to be and flirt i just lost and i don’t know what to do so i run

    you can email me if you want….
    [email protected]

  2. Anonymous Anonymous

    Wow. It’s like I wrote this in my younger years. Then I met someone, got married and had children. Then the nightmare kicked in. Discovered she was having multiple affairs and in a blink of an eye my happily ever after was all gone. I’m back to the same place except much worse. I wish I had answers for you. Therapy doesn’t work for me.If I ever find the answer I’ll let you know. Please do the same for me.

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