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Trying to think positively

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I found this page – and term “philophobia” yesterday. I have to say, I’ve had this for my whole life. And pretty much all of my relationships have been disasters.

I’ve always had an urge to find a perfect relationship. And ended up with really bad ones – years ago I figured out, it was far easier to be in a relationship where I did not have too much feelings.

Now that I’ve been able to overcome my alcoholism, ADD, generalized anxiety disorder and panic attacks with aid of ayurveda, my life changed drastically – and I thought, I could live pretty much “normal” life.

But no.. Looks like I need to redefine “normal” again.

Decades of constant anxiety did a trick to my mind, which is called “dissociative disorder”. I learned to use dissociation to cope in life with anxiety. Just forcing myself into situations like acting in hobbyist theatre, singing karaoke, working as a museum guide, teacher and consultant.

So, dissociations can be a positive thing.. But they can go wrong in many aspects. Especially when talking about relationships.

I have wondered why I can all of a sudden lose all of my feelings for someone. There is no hate, disgust, nothing negative.. but I just temporarily feel like don’t love her anymore. After a while, my feelings come back.

Currently, I think my mind has created a dissociation strong enough to act like two distinct personalities. Fears tend to trigger “swapping” between them and one of my strongest fears seems to be love.

The other of my two biggest fears is losing relationships, friends, job, etc..

Fear of love combined to fear of losing your loved one and dual personality triggered by those fears might not be the end of life. But.. I have to say, I’m not willing to hurt anyone with this.

So, I might choose solitude as my lifestyle at least for a while rather than banging my head against the wall.

Thank God, I’m single.

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