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Self preservation

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I’ve have had 2 relationships. During those two break-ups I end up getting really depressed and having suicidal ideations (and eventually attempted during the last). I thought I was going to spend my life with my last ex.

Both of my exes used the same reason: they cannot see me in their future. I am not the woman that they would want (alpha female / femme fetale).

It’s been two years since my last relationship ended. I am focusing on self care, recovery, forgiveness, and inner strength. It has been long journey, but I have found this love for myself, little by little.

However, I find myself having trouble being attracted to males once again. I have tried meeting people and I have been more nit-picky in the sense that when I find like one single thing I do not like in a male, I completely dismiss the possibility of being friends with them or communicating back. I will dismiss any guy who has some hints of being arrogant/dominating/controlling, being too attached with his mother figure, or being more affluent. I avoid them completely.

I don’t see myself being in a relationship once again, and it’s hard to picture myself going on a date. I find myself contented with my somewhat hermit lifestyle. I have made new friends, most of them are females. For male friends, I make sure that they are not potential boyfriends. Either they are married, gays, or about my younger brother’s age. I tell my family that I do not want to get married.

If the thought of romance and dating would surface in my consciousness, I tell myself that it’s a nice thought. But then I would counter this thought by saying: no, no, no, no. You still have to fix yourself.

I keep on telling myself that I am breaking my patterns in the past. I avoid romance, flirting, and dating perhaps because of self-preservation. I tell myself that I do not want to put my happiness and self-worth in the hands of someone who will leave, break your heart, or tell you that they do not see you as a wife material/ or they cannot see you in their future. I have been stupid in the past and I won’t fall in the same trap again.

I see my female friends flirt, date, hook-up, have sexual relations, use dating apps. They have been encouraging me to do the same. I don’t want any of it.

Yes, I do feel lonely at times. The residues of the hopeless romantic in me surface at times. However, I know I can’t. I cannot fall in love again.

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