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Very hard condition

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My first and only love so far was a 2 years long relationship. I found a guy totally wrong for me, he put down my confidence and left me when I was weak. Since I gave up everyone for him I suffered hard for year and more, all by myself. I got through social phobia, anxiety, panic attacks and depression. I consider myself a warrior. I gained back my confidence, got the job of my dreams, met a lot of friends, partied a lot.. the only problem is I’m still single after 3 years.

I noticed first problem when I realized I have to drink to have courage to feel, to love. I’ve had crushes, many, but in the morning when I woke up sober I’d run away. Panic attacks, anxiety, nausea, every time I think about falling in love, every time I think about him getting me hurt, in any possible way. I went through a lot of things but I’m starting to loose faith I’ll ever be able to love again. I just give up on person, it’s so much easier, cause every time I start a relationship I come home depressed and cry to sleep cause it’s so hard. When I’m single I’m cheerful and flirty, a lot of fun and confidence.

I don’t want to be that person anymore, I wanna feel love, I’m afraid I’ll end up alone but yet afraid that all those things I once got through, I’ll have to deal again.

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