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It’s a vicious cycle

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My family maintains the male-dominated “principles” dictated by our culture. They also sent me to an all-girls’ high school. I am turning 22-years-old this year, and I’ve never had a real relationship with a guy. I’ve never even been kissed or taken out on a date! Yet, I can talk to guys fine. For some reason, I cannot become more than friends with any guy I become close to, and I always wondered why. After stumbling upon this site, I finally found a community that might understand my situation.

My friends cannot understand my fear, a fear that is deeply rooted in my horrible relationships with the male figures present in my life: my father and older brother. Their verbal, and sometime physical abuse, has scarred me for life. No, it was never sexual abuse. I let their words cut like knives upon my self-worth. I’ve tried so hard to live a life pleasing to them, but it was too hard to maintain. The men in my life always want to control me, and I won’t allow it anymore. I won’t allow any guy to have that over me.

So when I become close to a guy, I stop my attachment gradually. I stop texting him. I delete his number. I stop talking to him completely and act coldly if I see him around. This has happened once a year every year since I started college.

Finally during the last summer of my college years, I think I’ve met my first love. He was someone I never expected to become attached to and love so deeply. But I have begun the cycle yet again, I am attempting to cut him out of my life. I wish I could stop it, but things are always so one-sided with me, apparently. I give up every time it seems too good to be true. And the thing is, the guy never knows my true feelings. I leave them in the dark, even when something could’ve happened.

I’m sorry for not only the guy but myself. I wish I wasn’t so afraid.

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